I’m a 28F V and past trauma has fed a deep fear of S. is it possible to have a good ‘first time’?
I am honestly insanely scared. I go stiff at the thought yet loads of people have told me that actually having a relationship and going through with it with someone I trust will help the situation.
But I’m so scared, I can’t let anyone touch me. I don’t open myself up at all. I post a lot on different channels because I need to let it out sometimes. A lot of people have contacted me offering to teach me more about S . I’m not an idiot, I’m fairly sure they’re taking advantage of me.
But should I be doing it? Is that the solution? Texting strangers about S online?
Is there any hope for me? I’m scared it’ll hurt and me horrible and literally that I’ll ask the person to stop and they won’t. Or that I’ll just lie there frozen.
Because in the past I’ve always kicked into a freeze response. My brain just shuts downs. My clothes have always been on, except unfortunately in March when a man handed his hands under my shirt and on my breasts while taking my ‘measurements’.
I’m such an idiot, I just trusted him and I thought the bad feelings were residual from when something similar happened when I was 14. I have to block it out all the time. My breasts were the only place no one else had touched me till now. And this recent weekend I’ve been trying to update my wardrobe and I’ve been getting so stressed out buying clothes and I think it’s something to do with what happened. I got a bra fitting done and I started crying in the changing room.
Gosh, sorry about the ramble. I can’t sleep and this has been on my mind for weeks and I thik I just needed to say it. I’m in therapy but it’s all new and they’re still trying to figure out if they can help me. I’m wondering if I need to drop out of therapy and just deal with it myself. I’m so confused, I feel I’ll never be safe with men.