Prisoner in my own home
I am 30F, single and still staying with my parents. Every day the resentment towards my mother is building and I feel like I’m about to burst. I am miserable.
My mother has always been a control freak. She controlled every single thing I do from the moment I was born.
In primary school, she insisted on fetching me to and from school every single day. She quit her job and became a full time housewife. Primary school was still bearable as I was easily manipulated.
Secondary school came and I thought I would finally have some independence, but no, she insisted on driving me to and from school every single day even though our house was a 15 minute walk away and I was perfectly capable of making that walk. She would arrive early outside the school gates and park the car right in front so she could see me as I walked out of the school gate. All extra curricular activities had to be reported early to her, exact times that I would end class/cca so she could be outside the gate. I was not allowed to go out with my friends to study or walk around the neighbourhood mall. I had to say bye to my classmates at the gate and watch longingly as they headed off in a group. School holidays were also off limits, I could only be out with her or my family and no meeting up with friends was allowed. Friends would often laugh and say that I’m a mama’s pet, or that I didn’t know how to go home myself. I always tried to laugh it off, although it really hurt that I couldn’t be “normal”. I argued with her a lot over this period, but it was useless. I also started to drift apart from friends, especially during the long holidays.
When I entered JC I thought maybe this is finally the time for independence. I had a fresh start. Well, I was wrong again. Once again, the car was parked right outside the school gate. I had to report timings all over again. I had a phone, which she called relentlessly every time I was late coming out of the gates or I haven’t appeared at the said timing. Classes and CCAs don’t always end exactly on time. The teacher would still be talking but I wouldn’t be able to focus because my phone was buzzing endlessly because of the delay and my mind was more focused on the fact that I was going to be scolded for ending late, or worse still, she would start calling the school and even enter the school to search for me. My anxiety got even worse. As usual, I could not go out with friends after school or during the school holidays, and I could not go home by myself. I didn’t even own the house keys. Friends drifted apart again, especially after graduation and having to decline all the invitations to gatherings and birthdays. They thought I didn’t want to meet them, and I was too embarrassed to explain my house arrest situation.
Uni was supposed to be a fresh start for me. I picked a uni that had hostels and applied for a place. Finally, I would get some space of my own and no more waiting cars. After a long argument, I moved in my first semester. I thought maybe I could finally get to know some people, but mother had some rules before allowing me to stay in school hall. After class, I was to go pack dinner and go straight back to hall, shower, and then go inside my room and turn on the webcam. The webcam had to be on until I went to sleep so she could see me eat, do my work, etc until I went to bed. Only around 11pm would I be allowed to turn it off and go to bed. At the start I was so happy to be out of the house I agreed to these rules. Neighbours on my floor would ask if I wanted to eat together or study together, but I always had to come up with an excuse because I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to uni by myself either, she drove me there on Mondays and picked me up Friday evenings. I begged her to let me stay the weekend to study with my friends but she threatened to stop me from staying in school. School holidays were equally miserable, by then I barely had any friends, and would go out with my friends for a meal maybe once every holiday, and even then it became a source of anxiety trying to think of how to break the news to my mother. She needed to know the friend’s background, what time I would go and come back, where I was going, and she would then drive me there and wait around nearby. It was difficult because how the hell would you know what time a meet up ends? What if they decide to get dessert?
I’ve been working a standard job since I graduated. I have no close friends, just acquaintances. I go to work, come home, stay in my room, and repeat. I still feel like a prisoner. I can’t lock my room door because I don’t have a key, and she would keep knocking on the door until I opened up. She barges in many times a day even as I’m working. She controls the furniture in the room and things have to be tidied up her way. I can’t curse, I can’t swear. I can’t drink alcohol, I can’t smoke. I can’t come home late because she knows what time I end. If I happen to only be able to reach home at 10pm or later I can’t walk home myself because its “too dark and many foreign workers near the path” so she’ll pick me up. After 11pm she’ll come into my room and hover, asking why I’m still awake. I can’t watch tv shows or movies that are too suggestive/there’s nudity/ lgbtq+/even kissing sometimes. I watch shows like game of thrones at night on my phone under the covers like a teenager. Otherwise, my cursor is constantly hovering over the minimise button, waiting to click when I hear footsteps coming. She does not allow me to stay home by myself, saying that it’s not safe because people might see and invade our house because I’m female. I can’t go out by myself either, I have to report location, who I’m meeting and why. Sometimes I just want to go to Starbucks and read a book alone but there are so many things to lie about/explain I just give up the idea. If I want to go somewhere alone, she insists on going with me. She does not allow snacks in the house because they’ll make me fat, and I had to hide snacks in my room and eat them when she goes to bed. She constantly criticises my food choices, especially when Im eating with her outside and just makes me feel guilty all the time. She doesn’t like the fact that I’m a little pudgy and constantly points it out. Even my clothes have to be vetted by her- no cropped tops, no short skirts. Every morning I wake up with her voice complaining about something or other. She checks all my parcels (online shopping) to see whats inside and always tells me I’m wasting money/ why buy so many things. I get parcels only once a week at the most. She’s very paranoid, always thinking people are out to get her, that my colleagues are evil, my friends are jealous etc.
I know that she loves me in her way but I am wondering if this is the way my life is going to go forever. Will I only get freedom when I’m a senior citizen and she’s no longer around? I’ve asked for advice before on another platform but usually people just ask me to move out if things are so bad. I’ve broached the subject of moving out with her and she flew into a rage, saying that I’m improper and people are purposely trying to harm me by putting ideas into my head and only westerners move out. Because I’m single, she insists on not letting me move out. I’ve never been in a relationship, and probably never will because of the circumstances. Can you imagine me asking her if I can go on a date? She’ll probably follow me around.
I’m at my wits end. I know my problems are small compared with people worse off than me. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I want to go out whenever I want without planning days beforehand and get through so much anxiety over every single thing I do. I want to watch game of thrones on the tv with speakers on. I want to lay out my furniture the way I want. I want to be normal, but I feel like a prisoner. I’m thirty, not twelve.
Sometimes I fantasise about her death, and how my life would be completely different. I feel really guilty that I think this way. I do love her, but she just makes it so difficult all the time.
I don’t know how to escape. I mentioned moving out but she threatens to sell the house/even suicide. I’m not allowed to be at home alone. I have been diagnosed with depression around 6 years ago. I feel like a prisoner.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Have you gotten out? Please help, because life has no meaning right now.