I went to a prostitute for my birthday and it feels like I’m breaking down.
I didn’t want to stoop so low as to pay for something like that, but it’s been on my mind more and more lately.
I’m 35, am (was as of a few hours ago) a virgin, and instead of going down my libido seems to flare up as time goes by.
I have many hobbies but I can’t shrug off the absence of intimacy and the loneliness as easily as I did in my twenties. I used to cook a lot, if that makes sense, trying out a new recipe and attempting to get it right was a good way to get my mind on other things. It’s not as fail-proof as it once was.
I gave up.
I know my body isn’t to blame for it, I’m average. I do have terrible social skills, though, prefer a quiet evening at home and dislike going out a lot. But I spent my life improving these skills, still am, and I did get better.
Broke out of my comfort zone, met many new people, made new friends. But it never seems to be enough, somehow I feel like I’m lagging even more behind. If no one has been interested in me until now, it’s unlikely to happen later.
I don’t like the idea of seeing a prostitute, I don’t want to be alone, I’m a social person and I don’t see the point of leading a life alone from start to finish, but what else do I have? A decade of rejection, I should have cut my losses sooner and focus on other goals in actual reach.
I wanted, just once in my life, know what it is to feel intimacy. And I had to pay for it. It feels like a failure. I hate it. And I loved having someone hold me close as if she wanted me, even if it’s fake.
And it was amazing! Holding someone close and just exploring and learning about another’s body and yours, I should have done it sooner.
Here I am, I worked on myself and put money to the side, at least I will have some intimacy every once in a while.
I broke the no alcohol rule and got sloshed just to feel something else. Here’s to the bottle I uncorked.