My wife had an affair many years ago. We went through all the drama, stay or go, and worked things out as much as we could. There were thousands of miles between us and extended time periods. We had been married a few years and gone through a lot.
I’ve heard most of the details, including some of the physical details. But I still feel like at times she hasn’t just “come clean” with everything all at once and apologized, though she has more than admitted fault. The only reason it really bothers me is due to the fact that when interacting on random things, she seems to be up this time of her life quite often, and without realizing it is hurtful to me. She was living in a place we never lived together, and the affair was with a colleague. And she’ll bring up working there like it’s nothing.
We now have a child and I don’t think I will ever tell the child, it’s just hurtful and something they don’t need to know. And I know my wife doesn’t bring these things up with malice, it’s just a matter of where conversations go.
In the past, it seemed like we never really completely cleared the issue up. Both of us were guilty of using it when we were angry or arguing, and we never just talked it all the way out. At one point we did go to some marriage counselling, and when the subject came up my wife put up a wall quickly. I’m not sure if there was more to the affair than I’ve been told, or if it’s just still embarrassing for her to others aware of it. I’ve never told anyone else about it, never shamed her with her family, friends, etc.
So really, I just want it all out so she understands the pain it causes when she brings up the “triggers” for me, in hopes that she will be more considerate about it. I know enough to know it was an affair, that became physical, then they remained close until she came back to live with me again.
But my main concern is how to approach it so she knows it’s all just to clear the air and end my “triggers” on the issue. I’ll be honest, I don’t care if it was more in-depth, intimate, longer, etc than she claimed, I’ve already accepted that as a possibility. Though she’s never said it out loud, I do think she was in love with the guy, and the physical relationship was very limited. I don’t think this makes her a terrible person, and she did confess when I asked. She was talking about him quite a bit, to the extent that I honestly think she couldn’t just come out and say it until asked.
So what would be the best way to approach this?
I don’t want to upset her over the past, I just want to communicate that I don’t want her to upset me over the past. I’d especially be interested in hearing from others that used the full confession of events to help them move forward.