For some context, I am an undergraduate at one of the universities here, and I am a local student (born local, been here all my life). Many of you would have seen the news on the latest round of easing of COVID measures, and that scares me, a lot.
I fear the day we lose the masks, while many of you do look forward to it, I don’t. I don’t particularly love how I look, and wearing a mask makes me feel much more comfortable with who I am. I don’t look good. While I’ve come to accept that it’s who I am, and what I’m born with, it’s not something I particularly like about myself.
I fear the bigger group sizes, and opening up of more locations. Why? I don’t have many friends, by this, I mean its countable with just one hand. I don’t have anyone I call close friends. And the opening up just makes me realise how alone I’m all these while. To see more and more people having fun, enjoying themselves just makes me feel really, really bad about myself. Especially on social media like TikTok, Instagram etc. While social media tends to show only the happy side of things, some may put it as toxic but it just amplifies the fact that I’m alone in this journey in life, and that feeling sucks. I guess you can call this FOMO, but what’s there to miss out, when I’ve no invites to begin with?
Now, some of you might wonder why do I have so few friends. Truth to be told? I am an ex-offender. And not many people would want to associate themselves with someone like me. I fully understand that, and if I didn’t land myself into this state with my decisions, I might have thought that way as well.
And that brings me to my third point. I fear the future. While I’ve pretty much gotten used to being alone, I’m not sure what the future holds for me. In terms of academics? I’m not the brightest student, though I’m not the worst either. In terms of social life?
Honestly, I don’t know what’s next for my social life. I fear meeting new people, for that I’ll lose them the moment the find out, and it’s not quite possible to hide anything since its just a Google search away. And seeing the people in university together in a group doesn’t feel good.
I’ve tried to push away this fear, and put myself out there. But I lost every single one of the people I call friends the moment they found out, and I wasn’t even given the opportunity to show them who I am today. I’m fearful of trying and failing all the time. In terms of finance?
I’m honestly not sure if I’ll even get a job upon graduation with this stuck to me, and that scares me as well, I don’t come from a particularly well-off family, and I don’t want to be stuck in this spiral. Maybe it isn’t entirely about the COVID measures, I don’t know. I’m really unsure on what’s next.