I won’t be going into any graphic details of the assault here, but if you are sensitive to that sort of content, please be careful if you’re going to go further into this post!
On Friday night/early Saturday morning, I was s assaulted. I was high after drinking and unable to defend myself or speak up for myself very clearly, and my assailant was completely sober and kept going even when I was unresponsive and pretending to have passed out. It went on for several hours, including some “breaks.” I did not seek medical attention because I’m not physically injured beyond mild bruising. I am not interested in debating what I should have done differently or whether what happened counts as assault.
Since then, I’ve felt like my body was not my own, but a thing available to others to use as they wish. I have been touch-averse to various degrees depending on how I was feeling at the time. I have two wonderful boyfriends (we are polyamorous) and they both have been extremely supportive and very respectful of my request that they ask first every time they touch me, be it for a hug, hand-holding, whatever. Last night, I wanted to have S with one of them but as soon as I started kissing him I got more intense flashbacks of the assault so we stopped. I suspect I will not be comfortable engaging in anything physical for a while.
I even feel uncomfortable showering, because cleaning myself involves touching various parts of my body that my assailant touched. Anyway, showering doesn’t feel like enough to cleanse me. I want to tear of my skin and slice off my breasts, which are perpetually there as a reminder. I can’t stand looking down.
I can accept not having S for some time, but I’d like to feel less repulsed by my body ASAP. I’m looking for advice from fellow survivors with experience in this area, or from anyone with a good idea, on how I can make peace with this body that was used by a strange man as he saw fit. I will also be discussing this with my therapist on Tuesday, but a) I don’t want to wait until then and b) she’s only one person, and maybe someone here will have a suggestion that didn’t occur to her.
I have one idea so far: focus on what my body can do by itself rather what others can do to it.
I renewed my membership to a type of rock climbing gym a few days ago but haven’t been yet. I’m planning to go several times a week from now on, starting today, and focus on developing my strength and climbing skills. I may also start going for hikes, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while anyway.
I’m hoping that exercise will help me feel like I am the owner of my body again, but aside from that I don’t know what to do and I’d appreciate any suggestions.
Please be kind.
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