I hate being pretty.
I have no intention of coming off as narcissistic. But the bottom line is I am generally regarded as very physically attractive.
I am not an oblivious idiot, I know how men look at me.
I grew up in a household where I was expected to learn multiple languages. It caused a lot of confusion with communication so my early years I struggled making friends.
Fast forward to now, 10 year old me would be thrilled if she could look at me now. But I’m miserable. A lot has changed about the way people treat me. Coming from a world where nobody looked at me or wanted to be my friend as a child makes me disgusted with people and the way the world works today.
It’s the same me, always has been. But now people (particularly males) love talking to me, getting my attention. I’ve been in multiple situations where I’ve been given a simple compliment from a man In a group setting, when I’m alone with any of them is when the tone changes. The things men have said to me has ruined my confidence completely. Whether intentionally or not. It’s opened my eyes to the reality of my life.
I’ve had a man say straight to my face he would love nothing more than to chain me up and screw me until I cry. That same man looked at me and asked about my plans for school ten minutes prior. That sounds disgusting, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg. I am constantly degraded, whether I’m head to toe covered up or not. I’ve never said a nasty thing back to people and I’ve pretty much gotten used to this type of treatment.
What really hurts is when people get to know me and are genuinely surprised I’m more than a pretty face. (I am in fact an individual with hobbies, interests, and even thoughts)
10 year old me would’ve reviled in the attention. 19 year old me feels stupid, worthless, and like she doesn’t matter.
The way females treat me has changed too. The popular girls all want to be my friend now. Society is so superficial, I find myself always putting my fakest foot forward, I am so sick of faking my kindness.
I’m degraded to a ridiculous extent but at least I have friends now?
I guess I’m okay with fake friends, what hurts the most is the way men treat me and it hurts when I know what they are thinking.
I worry the way I am perceived/treated might make it difficult to ever really grow up and have a good career as well. I’ve had countless men tell me I’m too pretty to “go to work”. I know these comments aren’t meant to hurt me, but they do.
I don’t want to be here.
Good thing the universe is still expanding. In the grand scheme nothing matters and that is what keeps me going.
Forgive any punctuation or grammar errors.