Background: I am 18F, and my mom is in her fifties. She is very religious (fundamentalist) and very conservative in her views about S and the world in general.
She is an amazing parent, but our fundamental values could not be more different which has led to some conflict in the past.
She is also pretty bad at communicating, big and small things alike. She tries her best, which I am more grateful for than I can express, but sometimes she still really effs up. I want to make it clear that I understand that my mother has certain very strong beliefs and grew up in a different time, and I don’t think she is the one to blame for her shortcomings as a parent.
But, that doesn’t change the hurt and damage she has caused in the past.
Now for the story: I have had a S toy for over a year, but it recently broke and I had to order a replacement. I was hoping I would be able to get to the package before anyone else could, and nobody would find out. (When I bought the original S toy, it was shipped to my friend and she gave it to me, but I have also had one S toy delivered to my house without anyone finding out.)
Unfortunately for me, my mom got to it before me and must have assumed it was the Amazon package I had been expecting and opened it. I found out that she opened it a few hours later when I realized that the package wasn’t at the front door, and when I asked my brother if I had gotten a package, he told me that mom had opened it.
I was freaking out inside, but my mom was pretending nothing had happened. I eventually found the package in the room we use for storage and brought it to my room once everyone was asleep, and then shoved it into the bottom of my closet where it remains.
The next day, my mom said nothing aside from casually asking me if I had gotten the package that was delivered the day before. I simply said yes, and that was the end of it. I was still freaking out of course, but I felt relieved as I assumed this was her way of saying that she was okay with it, and that we didn’t need to talk about it.
My mom often doesn’t talk about things that she finds out I’ve been hiding from her, so I was hoping this would be the same. Also, my mom is fairly predictable about most things, but because we almost never talk about S, and certainly never talk about doing it “DIY”, I had no idea what her views were on the subject.
It’s been a day since then and I still feel horrible. I can’t stop thinking about it and how this all feels like a literal nightmare. Worst of all, I feel like I can never masturbate again because of all the shame and embarrassment. I’ve already had a weird relationship with “DIY” for a while, to the point where I try to go as long as possible without masturbating because whenever I do, I feel horrible and often end up crying. I have a therapist I can discuss this with, which I will, but I’m not looking forward to that either as I’m extremely uncomfortable with talking about this stuff.