I turned 20 today, and got the news that i’m dying, and i’m okay with it.
Hey, hello,
As the title says, I turned 20 today, and got the news that i’m dying. I have been battling multiple chronic illnesses since i was 14. Wasn’t able to finish my school, fell even deeper once i developed PTSD, and have been housebound as much as possible since COVID started, for my own safety.
For the last ~year I’ve been developing a whole new array of symptoms. They all fell within the criteria for my chronic illnesses so we didn’t think much of it, besides the fact that it was becoming worse. As of a couple of months ago i started having trouble keeping my food down, losing weight, getting high fevers out of nowhere, and a shit list of more symptoms. So we decided to go back to the hospital to see if it wasn’t anything more. I’ll spare you the details of the tests we’ve done, and just tell you the last one. Got referred to do a full body MRI scan, and got the news today.
It’s cancer. Everywhere. Spots on my liver, my stomach, it’s behind my sternum.
My mom and twin sister have been crying all day. My mom especially blames herself, for not thinking about going in for more tests earlier, that maybe we could have found something earlier. My sis has had multiple panic attacks, told me she doesn’t know how she’d go on without me… I wish i could tell her how.
I hate myself, because frankly, i’m okay with it? Maybe its the shock (although i had suspicions that it might have been cancer) but honestly, I feel quite relieved.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate what it implies. I don’t want to leave my mom. She already lost her first son a couple of years ago, and now she’s going to lose her other one. I hate that i won’t be able to see my twin sis get married to that horrible boyfriend (my bestfriend) of hers. I don’t want to leave them. We have so many more game nights to play. I was supposed to break into their house and kidnap their kids for the day to go to do something fun…
But i’m just so relieved to finally have an answer. That it’s not just me being a wuss. Its so great to just… know whats going on with me, even if its something thats going to kill me. But i can’t tell my mom and sis this, it would break their hearts. I don’t wanna give them more shit to deal with then they’ve already got. But i just need someone to know, i’m so glad I know what’s wrong with me.
My life expectancy is very depending right now, could be 3 months if i deteriorate fast, could be a year if I have some luck. I won’t be following any treatment to lengthen what little time i’ve got left here. Thats just going to make me sicker. I want to be able to do some shit while i still can.
Thanks for listening.
Editor’s note: Praying for you buddy, stay strong and hang in there…