I hope this gets posted..I just want to let this out of my heart.. Hoping that it’ll help me get through it a lil.
I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 5 years. It was my first relationship too. My ex was the girl I love at the beginning. But over the years…she got very abusive.
She has kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, screamed at me in public, destroyed my belongings, gaslitted me, stole my money, and threaten to k**l herself whenever there’s a fight or when I said we should break up. And the things she said was my fault? When I didn’t text her cause I was in a meeting, when another woman happens to walk by my line of sight, when I was talking to a female friend regarding assignments, and other things in those lines.
I was always the one taking the blame. Always the one apologizing. Always the one fighting for the relationship to work. Always the one on my knees begging her to stop hurting me. She knows I have abandonment issues, so to hurt me more, she will start a fight out of thin air, and immediately block me everywhere under the excuse that she needs time. It was my first relationship… I thought this is normal…. I never did the same to her at all..
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel the love anymore… I want to break up… But society keeps telling me that as a man, it’s always my fault. And as a man, I shall never leave a relationship and always need to accept her flaws and work through it. I gaslighted myself so hard that I blame myself for everything. I stayed and tried to make it work, to make my love for her spark again.
One day.. I found out that she cheated on me more than 20 times. When I confronted her, she proudly said she did, and felt no remorse. I held back tears. I looked at her, turned around, and walked away. I never seen her again. I blamed myself for her cheating. I told myself it’s my fault. I harm myself every night, asking myself where did I go wrong…what did I do… Many occasions, I tried to take my own life. She on the other hand told everyone that I’m the abusive one. Everyone just listens cause “believe all woman”, right?
It’s been 10 years since that happened, and I’m still traumatized. I have severe PTSD and Severe Depression. Whenever I see people arguing, broken glass, broken furnitures, I immediately couldn’t breathe properly. I have to take pills everyday.
I don’t remember what it feels like to smile or laugh. I don’t know how to do that anymore…
I’ve lost so much.. And the biggest thing I’ve lost is myself..