Affair with my Subordinate Turned Awry
I am writing to get this off my chest.
2 years ago, I hired her to work directly under me. I later developed a crush on her and when we discovered that the feeling was mutual we ended up getting together. Because she reports to me directly, our relationship could not see the day of light. We ended up spending most of our time together at her place or mine. The problem was, I saw what we had as a “relationship” but she saw it as simply an “affair” or “fwb”.
Unbeknownst to me, she started a real relationship with someone else shortly after. I felt cheated on and confronted her about it. I felt like the rug has been pulled under my feet. She explained that she had no clue I was serious about her because: 1. I never made plans for her to work elsewhere; 2. I never told her the words “I love you”; 3. I never formally asked her to be in a relationship with me; 4. we never discussed about the future (i.e. plans of moving in together, setting up a family etc.).
The thing is, I was very happy and comfortable with the state of our relationship. And she never once mentioned she needed more. I genuinely thought she was happy! We spent a lot of time together and we would talk endlessly over the phone (when we couldn’t be physically together, because we live apart).
Not wanting to “lose” to the other guy, I tried to do 1 – 4 above. I started talks with my friends (of my level) to see if they are willing to take her in so we could finally be open about our relationship. But how fast that could happen is not something that is within my control. As for no. 4, we started talking about the future but nothing could materialise until she starts working elsewhere of course. But it was all too little too late for her. Throughout, I felt immensely inadequate. When I finally told her the words “I love you”, her response was “why now?”. Meanwhile, I tried to make her see how the guy she is with, is no where near as good as me. And the truth is, he isn’t. Save for the fact that I am her supervisor and I was comfortable where we were and hence did not take things further, I am better than him in every way. Handsome-er, more established in my career, more eloquent, and not to mention, I make a whole lot more than him. So obviously, the fact that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone far worse than me, was a huge blow to my ego.
Anyway, fast forward, they decided to be together and they will get married soon. The worst of all is how I still needed to work with her. I honestly could not stand the humiliation and to an extent the feeling of betrayal. I tried telling her to leave (I think she owes me at least that), which fell on deaf ears. Now I have resorted to actually doing things to make her leave (like not giving her the opportunities or promotion that she deserves).
Recently, she confronted me and asked if I was reprimanding her because she did not choose me. Honestly, I just wanted her to leave and find another job, because I needed the space to heal (which I have already told her, and which she refused to do). And even if I was reprimanding her, am I all that wrong? After all, no matter how I see it, I am the one who has been thoroughly wronged here and she is not the least apologetic about it.