Love conquers all – or not.
5 years ago I got into a relationship with someone 5 years younger who makes about a fifth of my take home.
We come from different worlds. I was raised in a mid-income family, graduated from a ranked university and works as a professional. He, on the other hand, is a school dropout, works as a service crew in an F&B establishment. His family lives in a rental HDB and he has a criminal record from a minor transgression.
Though I don’t think I should be allowed to say this about myself (and him for that matter) for context I think it’s important to say that I consider the two of us fairly good-looking. I wouldn’t say I am drop-dead gorgeous but at D&Ds I would typically be selected as best-dressed – you get the drill.
I am 35 this year. My take home is a good high 5-figure. I am the eldest of 3 siblings. My younger siblings unfortunately for me, are not as high-achieving. So naturally the responsibility of caring for my aging parents falls squarely on me as the eldest and most successful.
Despite our differences, we got together and stayed in our relationship for 2 years. There was chemistry and attraction. We connected on many levels and communication was a breeze. However, our differences eventually tore us apart.
They say love conquers all. Perhaps only in movies.
I was ready and wanted to have a family but he wasn’t. And I can understand.
He did not grow up in a happy family. His parents were abusive to say the least. He does not make much. He’s been so busy “surviving” that he’s not had the opportunity to see the world and live for a bit. He was still in his early twenties. On the other hand, I was raised by responsible, loving and nurturing parents. I have had the opportunity and privilege to travel and discover myself. As someone in my late twenties, I was more certain with myself and what l wanted out of life.
The idea of buying a house and having kids excites me because of where I am in life but scary and overwhelming for him because of where he is in life – and especially so given the high costs of living here in Singapore.
I got to where I am in life partly because of good planning. So I believe in making plans and pivoting as I go. He on the other hand did not share the same experience. Growing up, he had little to no control over many of the things that went wrong for him in his life. He has learned to live in the present (as everything can go south in a split second) and anyway the present is all he can manage given where he is in life.
As a result, I approached our relationship with many exciting plans for the future. I considered the different further education I wanted to pursue to upgrade myself. The different endeavours I wish to undertake to go further in life. I made plans to future-proof ourselves financially. None of these interested him and in fact I think overwhelmed him a little. He was more interested in the present. In terms of our relationship, his focus was more on things like how we treat and make each other feel on a day-to-day basis.
Family and family ties are important to me. I believe in being a good daughter, wife and parent. He on the other hand has mentioned time and again that he would leave his parents to fend for themselves and has hinted at not wanting kids.
Our circle of friends – well, completely different but let’s not go there.
On the occasions that I spiralled from the stress of our relationship, I thought of him as irresponsible, immature and with commitment issues.
But looking back – I think we were just in different phases of life. It’s true that age is just a number and two people from different worlds could still be together. However, the reality is that we both simply have different wants and needs out of life and each other. Despite our chemistry and attraction and how well we connected, and despite how we gave our all, we both felt that each other was “lacking” and we both felt inadequate to a degree.
Needless to say, the relationship left me drained.
To me, I honestly believed that what I wanted for us would be good for him too. Since he / his family do not own any property, buying a house together with me would make a lot of financial sense as a first step towards home ownership for him. Having his own nuclear family would give him the chance to be the father he never got to his children. Hindsight, I certainly thought wrong. He wanted none of that and wasn’t prepared for any of it.
Today, I am happily married. Have a roof over my head, a pair of twins and a stable career. There’s a lot to look forward to. Occasionally though, like tonight, I’d think of my failed relationship and wonder if I’d be better off if I hadn’t had to learn things the hard way. I don’t know if I regret it though, because I came out of it wiser and more sure of who I am as a person, so for that much, I am grateful.