What I’ve learnt about friendships.
I hang out with this group of friends and somehow am closer to this girl. We started work together and bonded as we were in the same team for years.
As times goes by the rest of the friends started to avoid her. I know its because of her attitude and negative behavior. She tends to be critical and gets angry easily as well as having a sharp tongue. She also cuts people off easily. I have empathy for her due to her coming from a broken background so I usually close my eyes to her behavior towards others. I would also speak up for her when I feel people misunderstood her. She gossips about others but is not bothered when I continued to maintain friendships with people she hate. I guess a part of me feel like a sister to her and I needed to be her moral compass as she indulges in risky behavior too. I get worried for her whenever she describes the men she’s seeing as some were toxic or turned abusive with fights and arguments. Somehow, she’s turned off to date local men who have relationships with their mothers and would always prefer to date men with no moms in their life.
She also admitted she didn’t want me to meet who’s she’s seeing because she didn’t trust her man. She revealed she didn’t want to lose our friendship should the guy want to date me. I didn’t agree with her train of thought as I’ve never betrayed her before but I let it go. I just took it that she has trust issues.
Knowing I am not supportive when I feel there are red flags, she usually only tell me about it when the relationship is over, like a month or two. I don’t recall her dating anyone more than three months. One of the worst one was that the guy was a drunk and beat her up until she landed in the hospital for 2 weeks. She only told me much later.
I start to think she has kept me at arm’s length, even though she claimed I am her best friend.
Our friendship lasted 15 years. The last 5 years, I got married, I felt she grew more and more distant and her behavior towards me got worse the longer we kept in touch. She started to be critical of my marriage, my spouse. Would try to cast doubt in my relationships, especially my marriage. Openly showed that she hated children, including my own. I start to feel that I can’t share my woes with her as she would turn it into a weapon against me later.
I don’t even know why we kept in touch anymore. Soon she showed that she looked down on my family. She’s angry that I’ve ‘abandoned’ her and have taken the passage of life that everyone has taken. I’m surprised she had grievances over my marriage. I start to think she really doesn’t understand me when she easily dismisses me when we talk about things in life.
All this time for the past 10 over years, her mother had been calling me for help to mentally support my friend. I guess that was also part of the reason why I stayed on being friends because I really feel for this friend.
For the first time in our long friendship, we had a huge fight. She refused to support me when I had issues and consistently pushed my buttons. I almost had a mental breakdown. I just needed to talk to someone. I know I sought the wrong person. There was no empathy from her, only cruelty. Only telling me how much I deserved it and she knew exactly what I did wrong and its something she would never be caught in as she knows everything.
For once, I wanted the friendship to be over. So I said the one thing she never wanted to hear. I knew she would never forgive me for saying it as she’s not a forgiving person. I know it was wrong of me to hurt her.
I realised I have also allowed her to abuse me mentally for a long time. After our meet ups, I was always mentally drained and unhappy. I guess her negative energy rubbed onto me.
I have not spoken to her for ages. And I’m sure she would gossip about me like all the other people that’s she has spoke about in spite.
In a strange way, as much I missed the friendship we had, I do not miss talking to her again. I no longer feel stuck or obligated to ensure that she is ok and happy. I don’t miss her spiteful conversations about other people in a cruel way. I most certainly don’t miss how she talk about other couples.
This friendship lasted longer than it should. That’s why it ended horribly. I no longer make myself keep in touch with friends who don’t bother or are unkind.
Its credibly important to surround yourself with kindness and people who are good for you.
Life is cruel enough. Don’t be too cruel on yourself.