My wife came out to me two years ago and I’ve just been pretending it never happened
My wife and I have been together for 13 years now. We have three kids, and our marriage has been mostly good. I am still so in love with my wife, and I’ve been very happy in our marriage and with the family we’ve created.
A couple of years ago, my wife told me she’s been confused but now realizes that she’s far more romantically interested in women than men.
This revelation didn’t come out of nowhere, and I’ve been accepting and supportive of my wife’s evolving identity. I’m proud of her, even, for having the courage to redefine herself at this point in her life.
But I’m also deeply devastated by it all. I thought I had the life that I wanted, but now I have doubts about the entirety of our marriage. Was she ever really in love with me? Did she ever really enjoy sleeping with me? And what does the fact that she settled for me say about me and my masculinity? It’s hard for me to conceptualize any of this as something other than the result of my inadequacies as a partner.
My wife redefining herself means that I have to redefine myself, too, and I just don’t feel capable of doing that. I don’t want to separate from her — I can’t even bring myself to sleep in a separate bed.
I still love this woman with all of my heart, and I don’t know how to just turn off my feelings for her and transition our relationship to something platonic. I can’t bear the thought of starting over or of being alone. I cherished my marriage and the stability that it brought to my life, and I’m so terrified of moving forward that I’ve just been avoiding taking any action to change my situation any further. I know my inaction is frustrating her, but I feel incapable of doing anything about it.