I am in my mid twenties, male. I work full time as a Regular in the SAF and it’s been 1 and a half years. I find my work okay, it’s enjoyable at times but work is work, ya know? I signed on very late because I took the longer route of studying. I went to ITE then Poly. In ITE and Poly, I made very few friends.. I am no longer in contact with any of them. I am weird and a screwup, I have been all along. I have done things that deserve their hate tbh. And even after so many years, I have learned to live with those regrets but it still is very hard to do so. I am pretty sure everyone has that one thought of “Only If I had…” or “I”m very sorry to this person”.
I am poor, I am not good looking and my personality is unlikeable. It also doesn’t help that when I try to talk to anyone and their first impression of a Regular is also not good. I am tired of people just looking at me as “someone with a stable job” or some uncle or auntie labelling all of us as “people who can’t study and signed on” or people who do better off than me and say we are “a waste of tax money”. Why can’t people look at each other… At me as an another person and get to understand or at least look at me as a person and not like some number.
I also have been feeling sick to my stomach and just tired because I have been trying for too long to find someone who can also understand me in a relationship. No one ever looks at me just for being me and I may not be a perfect person but deep inside when I ask myself truthfully, I know I’m not a bad person and above all things, I do my best to be accommodating and I have my own pride in my loyalty.
It always comes to who is more better looking, who can provide more, who is a better candidate to introduce to their parents, who has a nicer personality on the surface.. I think no one can deny all this because honestly, all of these are deciding factors that many of you reading consider regardless of gender. I’ve tried making it work out with those I’ve met over and over but I am done with being thrown away like trash. It always ends with “You’re a nice guy but nahhh lollll” or “There’s another guy and you just don’t measure up to the standards I need and I have to make the tough decisions and be real about all this”. I’m not a bad guy to any of them yet I am seen as worse than trash even tho they think it’s exaggerated. But then again, there is a difference between being thrown away like trash as opposed to doing it decently.
I visit escorts just to feel a little less lonely and useless even if they want my company for other reasons. I’ve even started drinking recently. It’s becoming a spiral.. What can I do turn my life around? Pls don’t ridicule, patronize and convince me otherwise of what I’ve typed here.. I would appreciate advice on moving forward and improving myself instead.