How to deal with dismissive soon to be fiancé/husband, toxic in law?
I am going to get married to a guy.
He doesn’t put in effort in planning things (dates/trips/wedding etc) until after multiple “pushes” and arguments. We had a lot of arguments which resulted in him wanting to handle the remaining items of the wedding. But every time I check in for updates, I can see he doesn’t actively chase for one from the vendors that we will end up arguing.
When we argue, he likes to be dismissive of my emotions and just end up running away/wanting to bring forward the problems to another day. Sometimes when we do have the time to talk things out at night, I get blamed for always starting an argument at night but to me that was the only time we were able to talk things through (without our daily job being in the way), & somehow things always get heated up.
What’s worse is, we both had multiple discussions on shifting the marriage forward (allowing us to save cost & yet spend more time with each other at home instead of going out for dinners/trips). Every now and then, he brings it up and blames me for wanting to shift the dates earlier (bc not financially ready & having to rush the booking of wedding items). We have already signed a few vendors for our wedding and so for him to bring it up multiple times, it makes me rethink like whether I’m the only one who wants to settle down asap. Ps, we already have an excel sheet which I have done up & asked him to look at a few times to let him know how we are financially but he refuses to do so bc he just “doesn’t wanna think abt it”. He only had time to “think” when his mum asked him to calculate how much he can contribute. Somehow, the shifting of our wedding date, was not an issue when he and I have already booked things and make downpayments, it only became an issue when his mum wants things to be done her way and I am not 100% receptive.
Also I really thought his mum was nice and welcoming. I am not a confrontational person and I would try to people please as much as I can. But somehow, I am doubting if I really got the right impression of her and if it’s worth it to give in this much.
Along the journey of our planning for engagement and wedding, we have already gotten her inputs and suggestions. From venue, rings, deco, food etc. She wanted to invite more people and wants to include her own dessert table without consulting me, the other person in this marriage. She also wanted her friend to source our rings for us. But because she was upset at my partner’s lack of communication, she was “forcing” us to accept her and his family’s help for decorating some gifts.
Tbh, it is really a small item out of everything but it was something I had to source for, paid for and agreed with my partner that this was something we wanted to sit down and accomplish together. & given how we had already met most of her demands, I just really wanted this one for myself and my partner. To have something to look back on and smile knowing how much pain we had to go through. I told him multiple times that it’s really nice of her to want to help, but let’s have an attempt at it by ourselves first before we go to her if we really need that help.
Then, his mum started saying unreasonable things to my partner like “if you don’t accept our help, then no one would be there at your funeral”… I was taken aback because why does she have to take it that far? To bring up death during a planning for supposed joyous occasion? & my partner had already tried to explain that it was supposed to be something meaningful where we diy it.
At first she had accepted it, or so I thought. But when my partner are arguing over a trivial matter, he brought it up again and he himself was threatening me saying that since I don’t want to let his mum take over the decoration of gifts, I should at least do it at his house where his mum can oversee things, and if not, it would be the end of us.
I felt so pressured and I just couldn’t sit with that idea. What I initially thought we had agreed on, doing it together without anyone judging us or overlooking us, became something where I had to accept some hidden “terms and conditions”.
You can guess I was distraught at the thought of potentially losing my loved one over something small and so I completely backed down and just gave up having anything to do with it. Instead, I told him to go do it with his family and I’ll just accept whatever the end product is.
I wake up today, still feeling awful. That I have no control over something that I have spent my money on. That I have to swallow whatever harsh things she had said/will say throughout the remainder of our journey. I’m not sure if I can be spineless and just accept every jab of hers.
& I can sense my partner is slowly turning his back against me. I am contemplating whether I should still continue with this relationship with him switching up on his words like this and also already dreading dealing with his mum. I still love him a lot, but how much more do I have to give in/compromise? How do I make this work?