I am kind of reeling. My Mum doesn’t want to talk about it and just says I don’t understand what it means to be married. Maybe I don’t but I really really really don’t think this is right.
My Dad (49M) and my Mum (47F) have been married 20+ years. They have me (21M) and my younger sibling. Don’t want to get into sibling’s age/gender as they don’t know anything about this. They’re younger though. Sibling was diagnosed with cancer 8 years ago and it was a big big journey to make sure that sibling got through it. It took a big toll on the whole family. My mum gave up her job to look after sibling full time. It was over 2 years of back and forth. But we got lucky, sibling is thriving now.
My dad has a high powered job and always worked a lot but he always made it home for dinner. But then about a year into sibling’s treatment, he started working late. Then over time, it was 2 nights and for the past few years it’s been half the week.
It was always sort of clear that sibling’s illness didn’t exactly bring our parents together. My mum got totally into that and tbh she wasn’t always very present for me emotionally but sibling was so unwell that I just kind of got it. She’s been great ever since.
I asked my mum a few years ago if she and dad were happy and she said that marriage is more than just romance and rainbows and that they had a life together. Which didn’t really answer my question or maybe it did.
About a year ago I finally twigged that my dad was having an affair and it had been going on for a while. Basically I found a document that indicated that he rents a flat somewhere in the east. There was just this moment when I realised and my mum saw it kind of sink in and she just shook her head and I didn’t say anything.
Two days ago I found out who his mistress was. It’s a girl who was in my class at school. “Izzie” actually used to go out with my best friend from ages 14-16. My friend was distraught when she broke up with him. It seems like she did this because she had met my dad. He rented a flat and they’ve been having an affair for 5 years.
I confronted my dad and he just told me that it was none of my business, that his relationship with my mother had ‘evolved’ when my sibling got sick and that his need for intimacy had ‘upgraded’ and that Izzie can meet them in a way that my mother cannot. WTF??????!
He said and my mother confirmed that he told my mum that he was planning to have an affair with Izzie before it started and that “ground rules” were set so that Izzie couldn’t come to our house and that he would still be home x number of nights a week and that no more than X amount of money would be spent on Izzie. My mother gave her permission and that’s been the situation ever since. My mother just said she didn’t want to discuss it and that relationships change over time.
My dad said that he would go and stay in his flat for the rest of the week while I cooled off but that he would come back on Monday and that we wouldn’t be talking about it again.
I’m physically kind of nauseous about this whole thing and I don’t want anyone to know. My dad is just a total creep. I hadn’t spoken to Izzie in a long time but I remember her as really quiet and very clever. She is also very beautiful. Her parents had a very messy divorce during the last couple of years at school and I remember her being very upset about it. I can’t believe that she’s put in 5 years of her life into this. My friend really loved her – he spent a good 2 years trying to win her back.
I don’t know what to do. I hate how my mother can’t meet my eye. I feel like sibling knows something’s up and I don’t want to lie. It’s like the house I thought was made of bricks was just made out of straw but I don’t know if I have the spine to blow the whole thing down. Would we be better off??