Be more confident, even though it hurts now. Be better. Grieve but improve.
So I reconnected with my ex after 3 months. At the time he pissed me off by being too needy, and childish by needing to be in the centre of attention. He needs a partner who can be more “sayang”. And… we were in a friend group where… there was someone else who could do it.
After the breakup, I muted all members of the group. I focused on my new job. Then… my new job flunked. Bad manager, minimal guidance, left out to fend for myself… and I couldn’t survive. I’m looking for new work and things are looking bright. Likely new role may be a bit out of my depth but I think the manager is good, or at least better.
Then I reconnected with my ex group. The main reason was because of the networks he had. We had a one on one. Things seemed fine. We could talk. And… I felt like we could be friends. He said that he agreed that he needed someone more patient. And that I should be more confident. He said that “we both have very high standards of our partners”. I laughed and agreed at the moment because I thought that he did have high standards. Meanwhile I’ve been called out by loved ones for having too low standards.
We hung out a bit more. We never really talked about the explosive breakup (which I initiated). And things seemed to be going well. I didn’t think to redo the relationship, and reminded myself on why we didn’t work out. And then… he revealed that that he was dating that member of the group that was more patient with him.
I saw it coming. I predicted it the day that I dumped him. I knew that… he needed an anchor, and that I couldn’t be that. I knew that the other group member was more patient and could better put up with him. I know what it works
But it still. F–king. Hurts.
I’ve listened to some podcast. Asked a friend to scold me. She did, and assured me: “ LIKE OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE A 10 AND HE’S A 3”. I knew this back then. I rated him a 3. But he was so persistent in loving. Saying that he was willing to give it all and all that. He’s the gravity well for the group, and I was the queen. Now that’ll change.
Things can’t go back… I need to be… the f–king king. He’s right, I need to be more confident. I can get better guys. I am not the failure my toxic boss set me up to be. I CAN IF I WANT TO.
2023 f–king sucks. Break up. Failed job. F-king terrible school projects. BUT I AM KING. I am amazing. I will be better. I cannot let go of this feeling. I can build my own networks. If he’s willing to “help” and “we want you to be happy too.”, then I’ll use it as a stepping stone.
I hope that this fire doesn’t burn out. I really, really, after all these f–king years, need to be better. Not just feel it for a bit, and then… revert. Put my all into the new job. Get up get out there and network. Buy what I need to buy to network. Build my skills for personal and professional use.
For now it hurts. My heart is tight. I feel slighted despite knowing logically full well that it won’t work out. I just feel humiliated. And I can’t sleep. But it’s all on me now. They have their own rs. I have my own emotions to… deal with. I know that I have to let it pass… but it still… F. It’s hard.