Starting from the beginning:
I began working at my current place of employment nearly 3 years ago. When I first started, I had only worked with my boss for about a week. She then left on maternity leave for a few months. She was having her 2nd child with her boyfriend (with whom she has been with for 8 years, lives with, already has another child with, and he has 3 of his own from a previous relationship).
When I first started working there, I got the impression she did care for me. Though I’m sure her being close to her due date was probably the most forefront thing on her mind.
3 months went by and she returned to work. We worked closely together from that point on. Each day, we started getting more and more friendly with each other. We were getting along great, having fun at work, and seemingly having a great friendship.
We would even play video games online together with each other, her boyfriend, and some other co workers as a group. Although she and I were always competing with specifically each other.
I felt like I had a practically new best friend. We would text about various things after work and on weekends. Share funny videos we saw, say something that just happened to us, etc. Though I always made sure to never push the boundary. While I may have found her attractive, she was a mom of 2, (plus 3 “bonus”), in a relationship, and about 8 years older than me. I never actually considered any sort of action I wanted to take.
As the months went by, we found ourselves at a colleauges wedding reception. By some turn of events, we wound up alone together. It was at this point that she told me how she thinks of me often, and while she and her boyfriend didn’t have a “S” life at home, she often thought about me for her own pleasure.
We did it that night.
Shortly after, we decided to start a physical only “relationship” where we would flirt, touch, and do whatever else we could do during work hours, secretly of course.
We did it several more times. Keep in mind, that I am barely 21 during this beginning phase, she is in her early 30’s.
Nearly 2 years have gone by since the start. We have “ended” things just to have them start again several times after.
What was once physical has turned highly emotional. We are always jealous of when the other is with someone else (ie me on an actual date, her getting drunk and messaging me the “acts” she just performed on her boyfriend).
Every night I have guilt. We still work together. I feel like I’m attached to this woman. I don’t have feelings per se, but I feel that we are connected and these emotions will never break. I know what I did was wrong. I know I was used because i m a much younger single male.
I feel bad for what I’ve been doing. And yet my mind won’t let me out of this hole I’ve put myself in.