I (Early 30s) recently be friended with this woman and I really like her (mid 30s). We’re both local singaporeans and sharing a lot of friends and experience in common.
However her husband (white male, mid 50s) is sending out strange vibes which makes me very uncomfortable. She brings her husband everywhere so it’s inevitable to run into him. I have already turtled away from a couple invitations to hang out with them and I feel guilty to hide my true feelings from her.
Here’s the story. This white dude is almost 20 years older than her, a rich man holding a high position. They have married for 5 years.
The first time they came to my home for dinner, my husband told me he sensed some weird racist vibe from my friend’s husband. I didn’t sense anything that night because I was primarily talking to my friend, but I do remember my friend’s husband talked about getting into troubles at work because he was ME TOOed by a student. Red flag no 1, but I still trusted him at that time.
The other day I dropped by their house and he kept showing me cute Asian stuff, such as anime related things, stuffed animals….I said I’m not into this and he was surprised. And I noticed a book of his, The Power Broker (book about Robert Mosses) and I started to talk about the book, he didn’t engage in the conversation.
My friend told me her husband used to date only Asian girls, including his ex wife. I asked if she cares about it and her response is no, she thinks he’s the perfect man for her, mature and “silly” at the same time, established, caring and intelligent. I kept my mouth shut that day.
The next thing I sensed is that he doesn’t have many friends. The other day a common friend told me she (Asian female, in her 30s again) was asked to be the witness of his will. I was shocked that this friend only sees him probably several times a year and they’re not even that close. Can’t he find someone else?? He has lived almost half a century in this city. Why do you ask your wife’s friend to do such an important thing?
Then I went onto his Instagram to do some stalking and I found 25% of the accounts he follows are Asian females. That‘s the moment that I retrieved my “benefit of the doubts “ for him and started to feel infuriated.
I talked to a friend of mine about this situation and he pointed out that I’m married to a white man as well. Yes, that’s very true.
But I met my husband through work and we share similar interests and taste in music, cinema and art. We run a business together and I have never felt he was attracted to me because I am Asian. My husband and I both dated people from different countries and ethnicities background in the past as it’s very common living in our multi-racial society.
I never had any insecurity about my own relationship. And we’re also in the similar age so we’re navigating life together with similar mature level.
I personally can’t stand with stereotypes and I think it’s harmful for my Asian female community. Am I being too narrow minded? Should I accept my friend’s relationship as love can’t be judged? I’m very perplexed and most importantly, I have no courage to talk to her about my true feelings.
Please give me some advices, thank you!