This may sound like it, but I never had significant self worth issues regarding my looks. I knew I was ugly, but I am in law school and have so many topics and fields of interests I’m passionate about that it never made me insecure about my worth, until now.
I am not hideous looking, but I am in no way conventionally attractive. I have severe hormonal acne, very hard to tame hair, odd facial features for a woman (my mom once called it a mans moon face, lol) and while I am not fat and work out a lot, I tend to keep water weight in certain areas because of a thyroid disorder. I just kind of look lumpy and not like you would imagine a 20 year old to look. This has never bothered me, even in my teenage years, until now.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and I never questioned his feelings towards me until now. A few weeks ago I was sitting at lunch with my friends (all very amazing, conventionally attractive nice young women) and they started talking about the attention they get from their boyfriends. Compliments, sweet gifts, tension, maybe sometimes over the top explicit comments.
I was confused, because I never get this type of attention from him, I always thought my relationship was totally normal, no one ever told me otherwise. He never compliments me. He never initiates bedroom activities even though he has a normal libido for a young man, he looks at women in public like any man in his 20s would, or so I thought. I thought maybe he’s just not that touchy. When we do get intimate maybe once every three weeks, he insists on turning lights off or adjusting positions so he doesn’t have to see much of me, and when this doesn’t happen I feel him getting turned off in seconds.
After overhearing my friends I felt heavily insecure for the first time. So I decided to ask him flat out what he thinks about me. I told him everything I love about him (I tell him over and over, all the time. I am insanely in love with this man) and then asked him what he likes about me. “Uh I don’t know, you look okay and you’re smart and funny.”
As much as I was mentally prepared for that reply, it stung like hell and I couldn’t help but cry after locking myself in the bathroom.
I know he always had a reputation of being kind of a nerd, loner and not successful with the girls. He says regularly how happy he is to not be alone.
It’s been a few weeks now and I’m starting to realize that maybe this is the best fit for both of us. I get to be with someone I love and he is not alone.