We are mid-40s and have been in committed r/s for 1 1/2 yrs. Both already have established careers, finances,
(1) kids from my previous marriage and him from a previous r/s. We’ve already planned to be together permanently and marriage has been a possibility. Over a few months last year, I sent him about a dozen pics and links to illustrate what I would like in an engagement ring if the time ever came.
I told him that I’d like a vintage pre-owned old mine cut diamond/sapphire bezel set ring (not a replica) because seeing the wear on the inner band makes me feel connected to history and like I’m carrying on the ring’s story through time.
The design goes with my personal style and the bezel setting goes well with the nature of my job. If we were going to get engaged, he knew how important the ring would be to me since I am a jewellery lover and put so much thought into every aspect of the ring I’d like, which I definitely let him know.
We went to Valentine’s Dinner a day early where I had a few too many martinis. He got on one knee in the restaurant and pulled out a brand new large oval-cut prong-set diamond ring and proposed. Its a beautiful ring but not even close to what I wanted. The night’s still fuzzy, but I didn’t react very well to the ring. Like, not at all.
He’s normally very sensitive to my likes and dislikes, but this time I felt like he didn’t listen or care at all about what I wanted. I admit, I acted ungratefully but I was hurt that he screw up such an important event that I had imagined so differently. When I said it wasn’t what I expected, he said he wanted me to be happy with it anyway because it’s the ring he picked out for me and wanted me to have. I’m the one who has to wear it every day for the rest of my life though and every time I look at it, it reminds me of how he totally ignored my feelings about such a significant event and significant item he expects me to wear daily.
This has erupted into a full-blown questioning of the entire relationship. He says I’m acting spoiled and ungrateful and he doesn’t trust me anymore because I have rejected the ring and he sees that as me rejecting him. He said I embarrassed him at the restaurant by acting pissed instead of excited. He spent more on this than I expected but I’d rather have a less expensive ring in the style I wanted instead of this.
He said he cannot get his money back from the jewellery store but that they said the centre stone (a totally different cut than I wanted) can be set in a different setting.
I’m still really bothered by this and as someone who’s survived an emotionally abusive upbringing as well as emotionally abusive long term relationships, I’ve finally gotten to a place to feel strong enough to stand up for myself and not to settle.
Should I just let it go or continue to make an issue out of it? Am I the red flag or is he?