I messed up. I don’t know how to fix it…not exactly looking for help but any advice is appreciated. It’s about my marriage and its intimacy within. It’s gonna be a long read but I appreciate if you all do.
I F29, husband M30. He is a great husband and has been providing everything. Never causes me harm, never argue, never raise his voice, etc. However, our bedroom intimacy, has an issue.
Here’s the issues :
1) My work nature – I’m a doctor. So I’m always tired, always headache, always sleepy, always busy. Thus leads me to always reject his needs in the bedroom. And he never complains, he just say he understands.
2) My condition – I have PCOS thus my time of the month can be extremely unpredictable. I could have my period this week, then no period, and having it again the week after. You get it. So its even harder for us to have our bedroom intimacy.
3) Me – This is the main problem…I’ll be real, I don’t know what’s wrong with myself. When my husband hugs me, I’m the 1st to pull away and say its enough within 2 seconds. When he kissed me, I’m the 1st to pull away after 3 seconds saying its enough. When he wants to cuddle, I’m the 1st to pull/push away after 1 minute. He wants more, but, I felt like its more than enough…like there’s like an alarm in my head saying “okay that’s enough” I don’t know…..like you know how when you pet a cat long enough and they show a sign that they don’t want it anymore soon after? Yeah that….and when he wants bedroom intimacy, I always tend to tease him like “You men only want one thing” or saying things like “I will need compensation for this”.
Yes, I’m attracted to him and he satisfied me in bed. He’s doing great in that area. He says he wants the connection and intimacy more often whenever the the moment opportune like when I’m not on my time of the month, not tired, no headaches etc. but I told him there’s other ways besides the bedroom intimacy. Then he asked me, all those rare times we had intimacy, do I like it, do I enjoy it, do I not want it etc. and I said “I’m okay with it”. I then further said I don’t mind if we have it or don’t have it, be it hugs, kisses, and bedroom matters. Either ways its fine by me. yes, he’s great in bed, but whether it happens or not, I just don’t mind.
His face changed…he told me that he felt extremely one sided. As if only he wants me, desire me, wants to connect with me. But I on the other hand, don’t seem to feel the same even when I say I do. He mentioned all of the things like when he wants a simple hug, he’s lucky to even get 4 seconds before I push away…he mentioned he felt hurt when I tease him like asking for compensation cause he felt like its transactional and saying bedroom intimacy is the only thing in his mind as if its not his needs…and now he said, the answer I gave him, where “I’m okay with it happening or not”, he says that hurts him the most…like as if he doesn’t matter enough…
He said he has been tolerating all those times where he couldn’t get it cause of my condition + work nature + those times we could be doing but I said no anyways. But when I said that “I’m okay with it”, there’s where he stops trying anymore. He said he doesn’t feel wanted, loved, desired, etc. and he’s done expecting anything….he said while for me its enough, for him, it doesn’t even reach bare minimum.
Ever since then, he has been silent a lot. He still does his responsibilities. He still buys things for me and provide for me. He still cooks for me, drives me around and clean the house. But…when for once I want him in bed, he said no….he said he’s tired, and don’t feel like it. Now I’m longing for him but…I think I hurt him…I didn’t mean to. I always thought bedroom intimacy isn’t a big deal and I thought all those teasing are no big deal too…
Discover Husbands Dairy
It just happened I found his digital diary and read everything (didn’t want to at first but I did) and…its heartbreaking….some of the things I saw in his digital diary was many questions about himself like :
“Was it me I wonder? Is it the performance during? Or is it my looks? My weight? I look myself in the mirror thinking which area can I improve for her to want me more…” and it kept going until I saw “She doesn’t care about it as much as I do…I guess the problem lies with me wanting it so much. I guess, its time to accept that there’s nothing I can do about it…all I want is just to be wanted as much as I wanted her…I wonder what can I do anyways..”
I tried talking to him but he kept giving neutral answers, or just politely say he doesn’t feel like talking…he seems very distant even when he still does all the responsibilities….I even suggested marriage counseling but he refuse. Stating that he’s the problem and he’s still trying to figure out what’s wrong with him to make him not as desirable as he does for me…and he said even then, how could he know if I want him and not just “okay” with it…
I feel so bad….idk what else can I do…I tried many ways but he refuse to even have any other connection….he doesn’t hug back, he doesn’t kiss me back, he doesn’t cuddle with me…I’m the problem, I know….I hurt him and not fulfilling his needs and made fun of him…idk what’s wrong with me and idk how else can I try…
Its been months since then…I miss when he tries….I miss when he’s happy….I just miss him..