You know what’s the worst feeling? When your home don’t feel like home.
Outside already so jialat. Every day wake up at 6am, squeeze into MRT like sardine, stand until my knees want break. Go office, kena tekan by boss, kena tekan by client, kena tekan by system also. Everything also urgent. Everything also cannot wait.
Then lunchtime supposed to relax a bit, but phone buzz. Message from wife. “Why you never reply my message?” “Why you liked this girl’s photo?” “You still care or not?”
Siao liao. I haven’t even eat my chicken rice.
Work finish already, 6:45pm, I still at desk. Colleague all go home. But I stay back. Why? Because I know the moment I step into the house, it’s a different kind of battlefield. At least office got aircon.
When I reach home, she waiting at the door. Not with a smile, not with love, but with more questions.
“You know today I take care of the kids whole day?”
“Why you never help with the dishes last night?”
“Why you always so moody?”
Then the real killer:
“You don’t love me already is it?”
Wah, that one really stab into my heart.
It’s not that I don’t love her. I do. I marry her, right? I put roof over our head. I slog every day for this family. I tahan things I never even tell anyone. You think I got time to go enjoy life? Got hobby? Got friends? Even gym also cancel already. My whole life is just work, bills, and try not to make her angry.
But no matter how hard I try, not enough. Not good enough. Still wrong. Still got drama.
Sometimes I just sit downstairs in carpark. Engine off. Just sit. 30 minutes, maybe an hour. Just sit and stare at the void deck. Because that’s the only moment in the whole day that is peaceful. No shouting. No nagging. No one expecting me to solve anything. Just silence.
Bro, I tell you, I don’t need big house, I don’t need sports car, I don’t even need new phone.
I just want peace.
Peace of mind.
Peace in my heart.
Peace in my own home.
That’s all.
But nowadays, even peace feels like luxury I cannot afford.