I’m writing this because I’m at my breaking point and I feel like fellow Singaporeans are the only ones who will truly understand this “kiap” (squeezed) feeling.
My BF and I are “university sweethearts”—met in hall, went through local exchange together, survived the 1-year LDR, and we’re now 5 years in. We’re in our mid-20s, working stable corporate jobs, and we were actually planning to apply for a BTO this year. But my mother is making my life a living hell.
The Language Barrier & The “Immature” Label From day one, my mom has never liked him. The main issue? The language gap. My mom only speaks Mandarin/Hokkien; my BF is a typical “Jiak Kantang” (potato eater) who struggles to string a sentence together in Mandarin. Because they can’t communicate, she fills the silence with her own assumptions.
She calls him “immature” (不懂事) constantly. If he wears a T-shirt and shorts to our house? Immature. If he buys her bird’s nest but forgets to use the “proper” formal greeting? Disrespectful. He has tried so hard—he even took a basic Mandarin conversational course—but she just nitpicks on habits he had when he was 19. People grow, but in her eyes, he’s still that “clumsy boy” from year 1.
The “Option”: The Suan Ming Relative The breaking point happened last week. My mom called up a distant relative who “unofficially” practices suan ming (fate calculating). Without even meeting my BF, based only on his birth date and time, this relative claimed:
“If they marry, they will definitely divorce. Their Bazi (Eight Characters) clash. He will bring bad luck to the family.”
Now, my mom is using this like a weapon. Every single morning, she rubs it in my face: “Marriage without a parent’s blessing will never be blissful” (不听老人言，吃亏在眼前). She says if I marry him, I’m “cursing” myself and being an unfilial daughter.
The “Kiap” Feeling My BF is such a “green flag.” He’s patient, he listens to my rants, and he still tries to smile at her even when she’s giving him the black face (dao him). But I can see it’s taking a toll on him too. He asked me recently, “Do I even have a future with your family?” and I didn’t know how to answer.
I’m torn. In Singapore, we’re raised to respect our elders, but how do I respect a mother who is actively trying to sabotage my happiness based on a “prediction” from a relative who barely knows us?
I feel like I’m suffocating. I want my BTO, I want my future, but I’m terrified that if I choose him, I lose my family. If I choose my family, I lose the love of my life.
Has anyone else dealt with “superstitious” parents or the “Jiak Kantang vs Traditional” clash? How do you even fight against a “fate” your parents have already decided for you?