Wah lau, let me tell you about my friend, Ah Hai. This guy ah, if “delusion” was a CCA, he would be the Chairman, Secretary, and Treasurer all at once.
You know that kind of person? He goes Geylang or some KTV once, pays the mummy for a “premium” selection, and suddenly he thinks he is the Tony Leung of Syed Alwi, Jalan Besar and Geylang. He walks into the coffee shop with his chest puffed out, wearing those super ugly shirts that are so tight you can see his heartbeat.
“Eh bro,” he will say, leaning in like he’s sharing a billion-dollar stock tip. “Yesterday ah, that China girl, Angel? She told me I’m different from her other clients. She say I got charisma. I think she really falling for me already, man. Maybe next time I don’t even need to pay.”
We all just look at our Kopi O and sigh. Oi, Ah Hai, you paid $200 for a “Lover’s Package,” of course she says you got charisma! Even if you look like a melted curry puff, for $200, she will tell you that you look like Jackson Wang. But no, in his head, he is a Casanova. He thinks he’s a player, but actually, he’s just a “Payer.”
Then, the “Casanova” lifestyle started catching up.
Last week, I saw him at the void deck. Usually, this guy walks like he owns the HDB block, but this time? He was walking like he had a frozen pineapple stuck between his legs. Sibei awkward.
“Eh Hai, what happened? Your piles come back ah?” I asked.
He looked around, face go red like a cooked lobster. He pulled me to one corner, near the rubbish chute. “Bro… I think I kena the ‘Blueberry Special’ or something. Down there… why it feels like I’m peeing acid? And why got these small red dots like ang ku kueh skin?”
I almost burst out laughing but I tahan. “Wah lan, Hai! I told you already! That one is not ‘charisma’ leaking out, that one is an infection lah!”
The best part? This idiot was too paiseh to go to the polyclinic because he was scared the nurse would recognize him. He went to some private “Men’s Health” clinic in Orchard. The bill came out to be $1,200 for the tests and the jabs.
Now, he’s sitting at home, eating plain porridge because he spent all his money on “love” and “antibiotics.” No more Casanova, no more playboy shirt. Just one very sad goondu with a very itchy problem.
Moral of the story: If you have to pay for it, don’t think you’re a player. You’re just a customer. And always remember, “Angel” from the KTV might give you her heart, but she’s definitely giving you a “souvenir” to take home too. Sibei jialat!