Walao, talk about my boss, ah? I tell you, some people really born with the “special talent.” My manager, Kelvin, is the ultimate Jiu Hu Kia from across the causeway.
Don’t get me wrong, I got many Malaysian friends who work damn hard, steady pom pi pi one. But this Kelvin? He is another breed altogether.
The Math Not Math-ing
First of all, the lobang he got is damn unfair. One day during lunch, he accidentally left his payslip on the office printer—don’t know is it “accident” or he want to humblebrag. When I saw the figure, I almost peng kan.
His basic salary is lower than mine, okay! Because the company hire him on some “regional talent” package, they save on CPF and give him some allowance. But his title? Senior Regional Lead. My title? Associate Executive.
He earn less in SGD, but because of the 3.5 exchange rate, he go back JB every weekend like a king. He stay in landed property, I stay in HDB. He eat dragon fruit, I eat grass. But in the office, he act like he is the CEO’s long-loss son.
The Ultimate “Por Lan Pa”
This guy, his tongue must be made of velvet. Every time the Big Boss, Mr. Tan, walk past, Kelvin’s chair got spring one.
“Aiioo, Mr. Tan! Your tie today very ‘stylo’ leh! Is it Italian silk?”
Then he will run go pantry, brew the “special” coffee—the one he bring from home—and serve it to Mr. Tan with two hands. We call him the PPLP (Professional Por Lan Pa) Champion.
One time, Mr. Tan say he want to eat Musang King. The next morning, Kelvin show up with three boxes of premium durian, hand-carried from Malaysia. He tell Mr. Tan, “Sir, I specifically went to the plantation to choose for you.”
Pui! I know he just bought it at the stall near the checkpoint.
Making My Life Hell
Because he spend 80% of his time polishing the boss’s shoes, who do the actual work? Me lor.
He love to give “direction.” He will come to my desk at 5:55 PM—always when I’m packing bag—and say, “Eh, bro. Mr. Tan want to see the Q3 forecast by tomorrow morning. You help me ‘touch up’ a bit can? I need to go back JB, later Jam.”
His “touch up” means I must build the whole Excel sheet from scratch. When the report is done and it looks good, he will present it in the meeting like he stay up all night doing it.
“Mr. Tan, I put in a lot of heart into this analysis. I think our strategy should be…”
I sitting at the corner, eyes red like kena conjunctivitis, just can heng heng stare at the back of his head.
The Breaking Point
Last Friday was the peak. He asked me to help him buy 4D because he “got a feeling.” I told him I busy. He actually had the cheek to say, “Don’t be like that lah, we are a team. If I strike, I buy you Kopi.”
Kopi? Your salary might be lower, but your thick skin is definitely world-class.
One day, I swear, I’m going to find a way to let Mr. Tan know who is the real engine and who is just the exhaust pipe. But for now… I just diam diam do my work. Because at the end of the day, he might be a Jiu Hu Kia, but he is a Jiu Hu Kia with a Senior Lead title.
Sian half.