I laugh until my internal organs rupture.
Yesterday was Sunday family dinner at my grandmother’s house. My Uncle Raymond—the kind of classic, middle-aged uncle who wears polo tees with the collar popped and drives a second-hand BMW that sounds like a lawnmower—came over.
Suddenly, my mother looked at him and asked, “Oi, Raymond, why last Friday night I call you at 11 PM you never answer? Then Saturday morning you look so tired, eyes all dark like panda?”
Uncle Raymond straight up cleared his throat, looked down at his fried bee hoon, and said with a straight face: “Oh, nothing la. Friday night I went to Geylang to eat durian with my friend. Mao Shan Wang very good season now, must eat fresh.”
Bro. I almost choked on my fishball.
Geylang to eat durian? Geylang?! At 11 o’clock on a Friday night?
This excuse is literally the pinnacle of Singaporean boomer smoke bombs. Saying you go to Geylang just to “eat durian” is like me telling my boss I go MBS casino for the free coffee, obviously everyone go casino only got one thing and it is to play the games still got what.
Who goes all the way to Geylang Lorong 10+ just for fruits? If you want Mao Shan Wang, your neighborhood Sheng Siong or the downstairs auntie downstairs stall also got sell what! Why must go to the land of flashing neon lights, budget hotels, and “massage parlors” that open until 4 AM?
What kind of durian requires you to check your wallet every five minutes, look left and right like security guard, and come back with a guilty smile? Is the durian wearing a short skirt or what? Is the durian walking on two legs and asking you, “Hello handsome, want to try premium quality?”
The best part? My auntie (his wife) was sitting right next to him. She didn’t even look up from her phone. She just sighed, took a sip of her barley water, and muttered, “Eat so much durian, no wonder your body heaty until need to medicine for three days.”
I had to bite my own tongue until it bled to stop myself from asking him which “Lorong” the durian stall was at.
Uncle, please la. Next time give a better excuse. Say you went to reservoir to catch Pokemon, or say you got stuck in enterprise server migration at work. Do not insult the intelligence of the Singaporean public.
Anyone else’s uncle also got this kind of “healthy fruit lifestyle” in Geylang? Share your stories below, let’s see who has the most creative uncle.
142 Comments • Share • Save
u/KiasuGamer • 1h ago
Plot twist: He really went to eat durian, but the durian cost $150 per hour.
u/MeePoki_Enthusiast • 45m ago
Your auntie definitely knows. The “barley water” comment was a warning shot. Uncle Raymond better sleep with one eye open tonight.