Just a late-night thought while sitting in the living room after everyone went to sleep. My son is starting to get into the dating age, and watching him spend so much time scrolling through social media, stressing over looks, aesthetics, and standard “IG-worthy” profiles reminded me of a conversation I had with my late mom almost twenty years ago.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I was as superficial as they came. Like many young guys, all I cared about was whether a girl was a chiobu. I wanted someone who looked good on my arm, someone I could show off to my friends at gatherings, someone who fit the ideal physical checklist. I remember bringing home a girl I was casually seeing back then—looks-wise, 10/10, but toxic, demanding, and constantly put people down.
After she left, my mom was washing the dishes in the kitchen. She looked at me, sighed, and said in Hokkien-infused Singlish: “Boy ah, beauty is nothing in the face of time. Don’t go around looking only for a pretty wife. Find a GOOD wife. When you get old, the face will wrinkle, the body will change, beauty will fade. Old liao, at least you still have a good person by your side. If you marry a terrible person just because she is pretty, when the looks are gone, what do you have left?”
At 22, I thought she was just being an old-fashioned mum who didn’t understand modern dating. But fast forward two decades, through BTO applications, mortgage stress, raising a child, career ups and downs, and health scares—her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
When life gets real in Singapore, a pretty face isn’t what gets you through the day. A pretty face won’t stay up with you when your child has a 39-degree fever at 3 AM. It won’t sit with you in the hospital waiting room when your medical report comes back with bad news. It won’t support you quietly when you’re facing corporate retrenchment or burning out from work.
I was fortunate enough to take my mom’s advice eventually. I married a woman who is kind, grounded, empathetic, and resilient. Over the years, we’ve both gained a bit of weight, gotten gray hairs, and grown lines around our eyes. But when I look at my wife today, I see someone who has stood by me through every single storm. I see someone who treats my parents with respect, who manages our family with grace, and who is my genuine best friend and anchor in life.
Over the years, I’ve seen friends who married purely for looks or status. Five to ten years in, once the honeymoon phase died and real-life friction started—financial strain, parenting disagreements, lack of emotional support—many ended up bitter, living like roommates, or going through painful, expensive divorces.
Yesterday, my son was asking me for dating advice because he’s currently interested in someone, but feels intimidated by the whole social media culture where everything is about appearances and flexes. I sat him down at the Kopitiam, ordered two tehs, and told him the exact same thing my mom told me all those years ago.
To the younger guys on this sub who are currently navigating dating: don’t let social media rot your perspective. Physical attraction is important to kickstart things, of course, but it shouldn’t be your top criteria for a lifelong partner. Look at how she treats service staff. Look at how she reacts when things don’t go her way. Look at her character, her values, her heart, and whether she brings peace or chaos into your life.
At the end of the day, when you’re 60 years old, sitting at the hawker center holding hands over a plate of carrot cake, you won’t care about the filters or the makeup. You’ll just be deeply grateful that you’re sitting across from a good human being.