Husband’s family refused to visit my dying mother in hospice, but still expects me to attend and pay for their grand family birthday dinners
I (31F) need to rant because I am at my absolute breaking point with my husband’s (33M) toxic, hypocritical family.
To give context: My late mother was diagnosed with terminal Stage 4 pancreatic cancer mid-last year. Her decline was extremely rapid and painful. Within three months, she went from a lively woman to being bedridden in a community hospice care facility, weighing barely 35kg. During those agonizing final weeks, I took unpaid leave from work to stay by her bedside every single day.
During that entire two-month period while my mom was slowly dying in hospice, my husband’s parents, his sister, and his brother NEVER visited her once. Not a single visit. Not even a text message asking how my mother was doing.
When I asked my husband why his parents hadn’t dropped by—especially since my parents had always attended every single one of their family events and given generous gifts—my husband awkwardly explained that his mother said: “Hospice places have bad ‘qi’ (negative energy) and bad luck. Going there will bring bad luck to our family. We will just give condolences after she passes away.”
I was deeply hurt and disgusted, but I was too overwhelmed with grief to fight. My precious mom passed away peacefully in November last year. During the 3-day funeral wake, my husband’s parents showed up for exactly 15 minutes on the final night, dropped a $50 condolence angbao, ate two pieces of melon seeds, and immediately left complaining that the funeral parlour was “too warm and dusty.”
Now, fast forward to last weekend.
My father-in-law (FIL) turned 65. The family organized a massive 3-table banquet at an expensive Chinese restaurant in a 5-star hotel, costing almost $300 per pax.
Two weeks before the event, my sister-in-law (SIL) created a WhatsApp group chat with all the siblings and spouses. She posted the menu and wrote: “Hi everyone! Total bill for Papa’s 65th birthday banquet is $3,600. Splitting among 4 working adults (my husband, me, my SIL, and her husband). Everyone please PayNow me $900 by this Friday. Also remember to dress in bright red/pink, no dark colors!”
When I saw the message, a wave of cold anger washed over me. November was just three months ago. I am still grieving my mother deeply. Going to a loud, joyous, red-themed 65th birthday celebration for a man who couldn’t even bother to visit my dying mother because of “bad qi” made my stomach turn.
I told my husband privately: “You can go and pay your $450 share. I am not attending, and I am certainly not contributing my hard-earned money to sponsor a $900 feast for your parents.”
My husband instantly panicked. He accused me of being “petty”, “holding grudges”, and “destroying family harmony.” He said: “That was in the past! My parents are traditional Chinese folk, they are scared of hospitals and hospices! You cannot hold this against them forever! If you don’t show up at Papa’s 65th birthday, my relatives will gossip that you are an unfilial daughter-in-law and I will lose face!”
When I stood my ground and refused to go, my MIL literally called my cell phone and scolded me for 10 minutes straight, saying I am disrespecting elders, being cold-hearted, and bringing dark mourning energy into her husband’s auspicious birthday year.
Am I really being unreasonable here? How do you deal with in-laws who demand total filial piety, financial contributions, and attendance for THEIR celebrations, but show zero empathy or respect when YOUR family suffers a tragedy? I feel like this issue has exposed a core fundamental boundary breach in my marriage.