Just needed to post this here because if I bottle this up for one more day, I’m going to ruin the family reunion dinner by throwing the steamboat pot out the window.
Context: I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. We both work in corporate, mid-30s, working hard to pay off our condo downpayment and plan for a kid. My FIL is in his late 50s, retired early because he “doesn’t like working for people,” and spends most of his days at Singapore Pools or Singapore Turf Club off-site betting.
It started on our very first CNY as a married couple. During the second day of visiting, FIL pulled me into his bedroom away from everyone, sat me down, and started wiping tears. Said his “business cashflow got issue” and asked to borrow $5,000 to clear some urgent vendor debt, promised to return in 2 months. Being a fresh son-in-law wanting to give a good impression, I transferred him the cash on the spot via PayNow.
Did he return? Of course not.
Next year CNY: $10,000. Said he needed to pay property tax and medical bill. Year 3 CNY: $15,000. Said he invested in some durian plantation in JB that failed. Year 4 CNY: $20,000. Year 5 CNY: $15,000. This year (CNY 2026): He had the cheek to ask for $15,000 again because he lost money in some illegal online casino.
I tracked everything on an Excel sheet. Total principal amount given over 6 years: $80,000. Zero interest, zero repayment.
Two days ago, I finally put my foot down. When he asked me again in his room, I pulled out my phone, showed him the $80k ledger, and said: “Uncle, until this $80k is cleared, I cannot lend you a single cent more. We need money for our own child plans.”
He immediately exploded. Called me an unfilial, stingy son-in-law in front of the whole family, saying that in Chinese culture, helping family is a duty, and that I’m treating him like a bank.
The worst part? My wife’s reaction. When we got home, instead of supporting me, she burst into tears and blamed me for making her family lose face during CNY. She said: “He’s my father, what if he gets into trouble with illegal moneylenders? Just treat it as giving angbao to him. We can afford it what, why must you calculate so clearly until so ugly?”
“We can afford it”?? That $80k is OUR hard-earned money! We delayed having a baby because we wanted a bigger emergency fund!
Now my wife is giving me the cold shoulder and sleeping in the guest room, while my FIL is sending passive-aggressive guilt-trip messages in the family WhatsApp group. Am I the asshole here for refusing to hit $100k total loan for a chronic gambler? How to wake my wife up from this toxic filial piety trap?