If you belong to any local heartland church in Singapore, you definitely know the type: Auntie Mary (not real name), late 50s, super loud, knows everybody’s business, sits at the tea break area after service waiting to pounce on single working adults.
I (29F) have been attending this church since primary school. For the past one year, Auntie Mary has been incessantly trying to matchmake me with this guy, let’s call him Kevin (32M).
Every single Sunday, without fail:
- “Eh Sarah, Kevin is such a good Christian boy! Very humble, quiet, stay home one!”
- “Kevin’s family very blessed you know! You go with him surely won’t suffer!”
- “Why you still single? Girl 30 years old market value drop already, Kevin doesn’t mind your age!”
After months of peer pressure, I agreed to go on ONE coffee date with Kevin just to shut her up.
Bro… it was the most painful 45 minutes of my life. Kevin is 32, has never held a job for more than 3 months because “all his bosses are toxic”, stays home all day playing games, doesn’t bathe properly (smelled like sour laundry), and his mother literally drives him to the café and sits two tables away watching us like a hawk. During the date, Kevin literally said: “My mom said after we marry, you can continue working to pay HDB mortgage, and I will focus on my e-sports streamer career.”
I politely declined a second date. Told Auntie Mary that we just weren’t compatible.
Auntie Mary went WILD. She started guilt-tripping me in church, telling the cell group leaders that I am “too picky”, “vain”, and “not submitted to God’s arrangement”. She even came to my small group and prayed out loud for God to “soften Sarah’s proud heart so she won’t die an old maid”.
The plot twist happened last week.
My mother was having high tea at a hotel with her old friends, and coincidentally sat near Kevin’s mother and Auntie Mary. My mum overheard their conversation because Auntie Mary’s voice is like a megaphone.
Auntie Mary was complaining to Kevin’s mum: “Aiya Mrs Tan, your son really very hard to push lah! I already tried so hard to sell him to Sarah. I even told her he is humble! If this deal go through, you promised me $5,000 referral fee right? Can give me $1,000 deposit first or not? I need to go on church mission trip to Korea next month.”
Mrs Tan replied: “You make sure she agree to marry him first! I need a working girl to take care of Kevin when I’m old. If she say yes, I pay you $5k cash instantly.”
MY MUM WAS SO FURIOUS SHE ALMOST THREW HER TEACUP AT THEM.
She took a video recording of the conversation from her table and showed it to me. Auntie Mary was literally running a clandestine matchmaking agency inside the church, targeting young career women to offload rich aunties’ useless NEET sons for cash commissions!
Last Sunday, after cell group, Auntie Mary tried to approach me again with a “Christian dating book”.
I pulled out my phone, played the audio recording of her asking for the $5,000 deposit right in front of the Pastor and 10 other church leaders.
You should have seen her face turn from rosy pink to ghost white within 2 seconds. She tried to say it was “just a joke/token of appreciation,” but the Pastor looked utterly disgusted.
Long story short: Auntie Mary has been removed from all church ministry roles and is currently “taking a break” from service due to shame. Always check the motives of church aunties, guys. They aren’t doing it out of love, they are doing it for the bag.