I (48m) have 3 kids. ‘Cindy’ turns 18 in a few weeks and having a party at my house with friends.
I got a call from her mom saying she wanted to attend and host the party – I said no. We argued but thought that would be the end of it. I was wrong. Now my kids (almost 16/18/20) are angry and think I’m a bad dad.
Back story: EX has a drug addiction and was unfaithful
Addiction and ongoing affair surfaced about 51/2 years ago (Married 17 years at this point). I tried to make things work. Drugs and cheating continued.
I moved out 6 months later. Ex then gets arrested on drug charges, so I move back into the house to be with the kids full time. Hopeful she’ll turn it around, she comes back to our house after rehab
Heavy Drugs and betrayals continued. Got so bad I had her removed from the house by police as she’d refused to get help. She did more rehab and sober living houses. Had another arrest, all very toxic.
I’m pay for all this voluntarily- Heart broken but care for her – she’s the mother of my children and want her to be ok. I spend 1 1/2 years with full custody of the kids.
She’d visit once in awhile, but not even an overnight to her apartment. After a couple more years, she’s kicked the hard drugs. I get her 4 bedroom house as her goal was to reconnect with the kids. Once the kids felt comfortable spending time there, I pushed on our divorce. (filed 2 years prior, but she was so unstable I felt that would push her over the edge and she’d OD and die, so I put my needs second) She responds and tried to get full custody.
I haven’t shared all these details with the kids. They know of the drug use, but not the details.
Ex openly blames me for the divorce. Says things like never tried to make it work, She didn’t want it and its my fault. Also Blames my GF saying she’s the reason we can’t do things together as a family. (GF and I just celebrated 2 years together. Story for another time, but ex attitude towards gf has a negative impact on kids attitude towards her – Any advice?)
I’m now having heated arguments with all the kids about the party.
They think I’m a bad father for not allowing her here. They say the party is about Cindy, not me and I need to deal with it and let their mom come host.
I am not comfortable having her in the house. I don’t want her hosting the party, cooking food in the kitchen and acting like it’s all ok.
I’ve explained to the kids I’m not comfortable and it’s a boundary I need. I’ve also told them my concern it will turn into a fight between me and ex, and upstage the bday girl.
Help.