My (26F) boyfriend (27M) rarely pays for things. When I bring it up he accuses me of wanting to control his finances.
Just as the title says, seldom does my boyfriend offer to pay for things. 9 times out of 10 I’ll pay for our dinner dates, activities, big furniture purchases, etc.
I’m in a commission based career where I receive large sums of pay at a time, whereas he has a steady predictable income.
What initiated our most recent disagreement was following a week of dates and activities – all of which I paid for – he asked if he could go to the golf sim (an indoor golf course) with his buddy.
I told him he doesn’t need my permission to go but that it hurts my feelings that he doesn’t contribute to our expenses, yet always finds money to pay for his own things.
For deeper context, he’s gone to the golf sim twice this week alone. I don’t golf but I offered to pay for 2 of his hours earlier in the week, and accompanied him to another hour later in this week. I also paid for both of us to go to an auto-show (a hobby he enjoys) and for the lunch beforehand.
Edit: I really appreciate all the advice from people that have dealt with something similar in their own relationships. I’m not in a headspace to be reading comments from people exclaiming that I’m an “idiot” or that my standards “bar is in hell.”
Moving forward, I’m not going to financially contribute to anything over-and-above, and if that doesn’t help and the relationship dissolves, then so be it.
Edit 2: I approached him with the concerns and explained that moving forward I can’t be expending myself in the ways I have been. We do live together so we’re going to create a monthly budget.
On dates we’ll go Dutch. I told him I’m not paying for anything over-and-above and he apologized for gaslighting me last night.
He offered to pay me for the recent expenses and I’m going to take him up on it. Thanks all. This is my last shot at having an equitable relationship and working toward rebuilding my self-esteem. If it doesn’t work out, I’m at peace with the fact that I did my best!