How to help someone that doesn’t even help themself?
I have recently graduated from my master’s degree and have a job offer lined up to start early next year. My gf who is 2 years younger has just started her 1 year master’s course. (We are not in SG)
Over the course of our 2 year relationship, I often had to “nag” at her in order for her to see her mistakes and correct it. Recent examples are like constantly reminding her to book a GP appointment to see a doctor and potentially get a referral for a specialist as she always complains of certain pains. I have been telling her to go seek medical help for over 1 year now for this issue and it takes ages to see a specialist through public healthcare. Another example is her not proactively applying for graduate schemes even though job application season has already started a month ago, and by the next month or 2, it will be too late.
I am very thankful to be blessed in a way that I have the support of my parents, elder cousins and older friends whom are successful in their own rights, to “nag” and advice me. However, my gf does not have that luxury and whilst she used to say she looks up to me and that she has her own ambitions, she would get very negative towards my reminders and “nagging”. I understand that no one likes “nagging” especially in the heat of the moment – I certainly didn’t like it when my parents or older family members/friends tell me what to do. But the fact is that she doesn’t have family members or friends that can guide her to a correct path, thus I felt compelled to do so. The reason being, it is genuinely for her benefit, both career and health wise, but also that these are factors that would affect our relationship and the future we plan to have.
The bigger problem recently is that she doesn’t just reject the goodwill or advice, but rather reacts in a hostile manner. If not, she will give fake promises or false hope in saying that she will do the correct thing, only to not deliver said promise. When I questioned her why that is the case, she simply replied: I’m lazy (I suspect she just spends too much time recently with her wealthy friends that do nothing productive and do not need to study well or apply for jobs.) I have confronted her by informing her that, not living up to your promise is a sign of disrespect to the person you made a promise to, and that her inactions to do the right things shows that she is unwilling to put in effort in the relationship. She then replies that this is simply the way she is as a person, and she can’t be bothered to do certain things even if she knows it is the right thing to do; adding that I am her bf, not her dad or older brother to “nag” her.
This has caused us to have big fights recently and I am genuinely lost as to what to do next. At the start, my “advice” was simply ignored by her and later on, my “continuous same advice – nagging” was faced with hostility. More recently, she just gives fake promises and false hope which I feel really insulted by and disrespected…
I still love her so much and want the best for her. But how can you help someone that doesn’t want to put in the effort to help herself first?