my boyfriend said he’ll break up with me if i don’t quit my job
i (20f) finished school and have been working in a supermarket for a year now. i always tell him about my day at work because he gets insecure.
he gets really angry when i even mention other male coworkers that i just had a friendly chat with or said hi to.
it’s gotten to the point where he’s threatening to break up with me if i haven’t quit my job by the end of the week, because he can’t handle me talking to any guys.
he just instantly thinks they’re flirting with me (which they’re not… being nice doesn’t equal flirting). i have done everything i can. i have ignored people for him. i have been dry with guys for him. i just think this is a really immature request from him and idk what to do
i find it very hypocritical bc he had a really bad addiction to adult videos at the start of our relationship and always talked highly of other girls.
i have never glorified anyone but him so it sucks to have someone trust you so little :/ sorry if this all doesn’t make much sense i’m typing this in a rush
The problem here lies with your boyfriend, and not with you. I cannot say this enough: YOU are not the problem here. And because you are not the problem, you are going to end up being victimized by someone else’s problems. Notice, his problem is not that you aren’t trustworthy. His problem is that he “can’t handle” you talking to another guy. That right there is a very, very unhealthy and unrealistic expectation on his part. HE has the problem, but YOU have to do something to solve HIS problem. That’s not how this works.
It’s not on you to do something to solve his problem. He and only he can address his issues. And as long as you think YOU have to do something to make him feel better, the root of the problem will still be there, and it will grow over time into a bigger problem.
Throughout life, you are going to have to talk to other guys: you’ll run into them at work, at the supermarket, at the coffee shop, when you’re clothes shopping, etc. That is a part of life any time you go into a workplace, public space, or really any time you step out of your home. For your boyfriend to expect you to not have contact with other men in any capacity is unrealistic, and reveals your boyfriend’s level of insecurity and jealousy.
He is showing himself to be extremely jealous, and he is attempting to exert control over you. His behaviors are the first volley in a controlling relationship. Most men who are like that tend to increase that level of control over time. Now, he’s demanding you quit your job so you won’t be around other men, and is threatening to leave you if you do not. Later, it will be telling you what jobs you can and cannot work, timing how long it takes for you to go to a store to make sure you’re not “sneaking away”, demanding to look at your phone to see your communication history, telling you what you can and cannot wear, and may even go so far as to tell you that you cannot wear makeup when you go to work/go out, or demand that you do not go anywhere unless he accompanies you.
So what happens if you were to quit working at the end of this week? Well, you are the one who loses income and opportunities. He will not lose anything, not even his insecurity. He will eventually find something else that he “can’t handle”, and YOU will be the one who has to do something different address HIS issue. So if you were to do what he is demanding, you will pay the price, not him. And as long as he does not pay a price for his demands, as long as you are the one who is made uncomfortable and not him, as long as you suffer and he does not, he will continue asserting that YOU make choices to make HIM feel better.
It doesn’t sound like a good thing, does it? Well, that’s because it’s not a good thing. He’s treating you like a possession or a pet, rather than a complete, autonomous human being. He doesn’t get to dictate where you work or how you live your life. A mature partner works in harmony with you, not against you.
You’re very young, and you’re still getting your foot out into life. But as an older woman who was once your age and dealt with that kind of mess, I can say this with all certainty: let him break up with you, and keep your job. A true man will be able to accept that you work, and that you are around other men in your day-to-day life. A true man will not have issues with you being in a mixed-gender environment, because he will understand that you chose him already. A true man respects you as a fellow human being. And a true man faces reality.
This guy you have is too immature to be in a relationship, because his current “idea” of a relationship is to dominate you and boss you around, and he will threaten you with bad consequences if you do not do what he says. That’s not how a healthy relationship works. You did just fine before that relationship, and trust me, you will be far better off after the relationship ends. There are men, true men, in the world who can offer you far more basic respect than this guy can.
You need to put yourself in a position of assertment, instead of one of defence. Tell him flat out that you are keeping your job, and instead of you quitting because of his insecurity, HE can put in the work to control his insecurity and jealousy. It’s not your job to suffer to make him feel better. He either trusts you completely, or the relationship simply is not worth continuing.