I’m literally shaking from anger right now and I really need some external sanity checks.
So my BF (29M) and I (28F) have been together for three years. We already booked our BTO unit, got our HDB flat selection done, and everything was moving smoothly towards registration of marriage (ROM) next year. That was until last weekend’s family dinner.
Out of nowhere, his mother dropped a huge bombshell over chili crab. She casually brought up wedding prep and then told me straight to my face that once we register our marriage, I must legally change my surname to theirs. She said, “Traditional Chinese families all like this one. You marry into our family, you carry our family name. If you keep your own surname, outside people will talk shit and think you don’t respect us or that our house got no rules.”
I was completely stunned. In Singapore, who on earth changes their surname after getting married nowadays?! It’s not even required by ICA, and literally 99% of my married friends kept their own names.
When I politely told her that I intend to keep my own surname because it’s my identity and connected to my parents, she completely flipped. She started throwing shade at my family, saying my parents “never educate me properly” and that my family is “uncultured” and “has no upbringing”. She even implied my family isn’t on their “level” just because my dad is a taxi driver while her husband runs a small SME.
The worst part? My boyfriend just sat there eating his soup, totally spineless! When we left, I confronted him in the car, and he actually told me: “Aya, just change lah, what’s the big deal? It’s just a name on your NRIC, don’t make my mom angry. You know her temper, just give in to her this once.”
Hello??? It’s NOT just a name! It’s about her discrediting my entire lineage and him throwing me under the bus!
Now his mom is saying if I don’t agree to change my surname and “apologize” for talking back to an elder, she won’t give her blessing, won’t come for the tea ceremony, and will boycott the wedding. My BF is now begging me to compromise just to “keep the peace”.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Am I being unreasonable for refusing to give in? Is this a massive red flag for how my entire married life is going to look if I marry a mama’s boy? Should I just forfeit the BTO downpayment and run?