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Wednesday, February 1, 2023
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BF SAID AFTER MARRIAGE MUST TAKE HIS SURNAME OR BREAKUP NOW

My boyfriend wants me to change my name when we get married. I don’t want to. He says it’s a dealbreaker. Help?

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We had another conversation about this tonight, and I feel defeated and upset.

I don’t want to change my surname. I like it and it’s a part of my identity.

My boyfriend is upset at me for not wanting to change it. He says it’s a possible dealbreaker for him, and “what’s the point of getting married if you won’t take my last name?”

He says he really wants to be the “Tan family” His parents divorced when he was young and this is definitely a driving factor behind his thinking.

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He also thinks that me not taking his name means I’m not entirely committed to him.

Part of me says just do it to make him happy, even though it will make me upset (something he doesn’t seem to get). I just feel like this is such a stupid thing to break up over if he is really that adamant on me taking his name.

Thoughts?

Here are what netizens think:

  • My now husband struggled with this a little bit when we first got engaged. He was mostly hung up on tradition. I asked him to take my name and he responded “Well I have had my name for 24 years.” I looked at him and said “Yeah and I am 2 years older.” He was then able to talk it through about why he wanted that and why it was important to both of us to have our names. We discussed possibly creating our own last name, but at the end of the day for us, it didn’t matter that much. The key thing here is we were able to talk about it like adults. We made the choice individually as to how we wanted to move through the world. There were no threats of not being together. It might seem like a dumb thing to break up over but is an indication of a larger problem.
  • Very similar situation here — my husband struggled with it (though nowhere near the level of OP’s bf) and we had a similar sort of conversation as you that helped open his eyes to the double standard of it all and realize why keeping my own last name mattered to me. Society has shoved it down everyone’s throats that a woman is “supposed” to change her last name and I think it can be difficult to undo that line of thinking.
  • The irony is that while he says it shows a lack of commitment from you, the fact that a naming scheme is more important to him than having you in his life shows a lack of commitment on his part.
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