My brain is completely fried from listening to this absolute clown at my company lunch today.
So this colleague of mine, let’s call him Jeremy. Jeremy is the kind of guy who goes to the temple every single weekend, buys the biggest joss sticks, and covers his entire Mercedes dashboard with amulets and statues. If you listen to him talk, you would think he is the chosen son of Cai Shen Ye (God of Wealth) himself. Every Monday, without fail, he will come to the pantry and chant the same thing: “Bro, HUAT AH! The master say my fortune coming already. I feel so blessed, the deity really looking after me, my aura is glowing.”
Wah, I hear already also feel happy for him, right? I thought maybe he strike Toto 4D or his crypto finally fly to the moon.
Fast forward to this afternoon. We went to the hawker center for lunch. After eating, the drink stall auntie uncle only take cash or PayNow. Jeremy fishes out his phone, opens his POSB digibank app, and then his face goes completely pale. He starts sweating like he just ran a marathon in 100% humidity.
He leans over, shows me his screen, and whispers, “Eh bro, can open hotspot? My data very slow, cannot load.”
I look at his screen. The network data was full bars, wireless working perfectly fine. The only thing NOT working was his account balance. Under his Savings Account, the number staring back at me was exactly $14.20.
Fourteen dollars and twenty cents. In Singapore. In 2026.
I almost choked on my iced milo. I looked at him and said, “Oi, you joke right? Your account got fourteen dollars only?!”
Jeremy straight up starts sweating and says, “No la, recently cashflow tight, I put all my money into buying that special blessed jade bracelet from the master. It’s an investment for my wealth destiny.”
Bro, are you freaking kidding me?! Your wealth destiny is currently worth two plates of chicken rice and an iced kopi!
The best part? Last week during Bring Your Child to Work Day, he brought his 3-year-old son to the office. The boy was carrying this plastic coin bank shaped like a Doraemon, shaking it around. Jeremy was boasting to the boss, “Oh yeah, my son’s Ang Bao money and savings all inside, easily got around $350 plus.”
Think about the irony, standard deviation, and absolute tragedy of this situation. A fully grown, 35-year-old Singaporean man, working a 9-to-5 job, claims he is highly favored by the gods, but his net worth is literally 25 times LESS than his toddler’s piggy bank. The toddler can afford to go to Saizeriya and treat the whole family; Jeremy cannot even afford to upgrade his McValue meal.
I cannot brain this kind of delusion, man. If the deity is really blessing you, why is your bank account looking like a secondary school student’s remaining allowance on a Thursday afternoon? Stop buying $2,000 “blessed” rocks and go pay your CPF or something la.
Anyone else got colleagues like this? Please tell me he is the only one because my mental health cannot take another session of pantry prosperity gospel.
TL;DR: Colleague boasts 24/7 about how the God of Wealth is blessing his life, turns out his bank balance is $14.20 while his 3-year-old son is sitting on a $350 fortune. God of Wealth clearly forgot to update his PayNow details.