I am a foreigner living overseas. I just interviewed with one of IT companies in Singapore. Everything went well in technical interviews and final HR interview was scheduled to make an offer.

The HR asked me for expected salary and I got confused because I was unable understand her Singlish accent properly (I am sorry, I am not judging Singlish accent, I just don’t have much interaction with Singlish).

In my confusion, I said 8000 SGD and they accepted the offer happily. Now the contract is signed and I came to know from some connection that for fresh PhDs that the company offers 10,000 SGD for graduates with similar credentials.

Since the contract has been signed and they have initiated the EP visa process. What could be good options for me to consider now?

In Singapore, do we have options for negotiation during probation period? Is 8000 SGD fair salary for fresh PhD graduated of Electronics Engineering? Thank you!

Here are what netizens think:

• Got PhD, yet post this garbage. This is why qualifications like PhD are no match for common sense and experience.
• I don’t understand how u can confuse “expected salary” with anything else….So when u said $8000, u meant living expenses? So u expected $20,000 salary?It’s obvious u regret accepted the salary knowing that some others are offered 10,000… in short, u are jealous and greedy now…
• I was unable to comprehend your grammar. In my confusion, I just called your hirer to reduce your salary by 2000 SGD

• Don’t find excuses lah. Even if she has a Singlish accent, what about the contract? You signed it, isn’t it?Seemed to me that you were okay with $8k but you got to know that others can get $10k so you suddenly have a hearing and eyesight problem.
• It’s bizarre to renegotiate without proper reasons. However, there’s a catch if your EP gets rejected. You can convince the HR that the reason for rejection is likely that your salary doesn’t match people with the same kind of credentials and age (yes it’s actually a factor; go read). But if your EP does get approved, then ethically you don’t have much wiggle room with the same employer.

I don’t think it’s a Singlish issue. How do 8 and 10 sound difficult to understand?In short, OP did not do due his/her due diligence. Suck it up, reject it or negotiate. IMO, they must really like you or feel you are really that special to let you negotiate.

I recently dated a Singaporean guy and eventually he become my bf. He did pay for the first date and all. 

But subsequently in the relationship, he did hint to split 50 50 and want me to take parts of my share. He send me home everytime initially , but after we get together,  no more. 

He say in Singapore, 80% of the relationship goes on dutch and 15% is guys pay all and 5% others.  It is true? I wasnt from Singapore and he was the first Singaporean bf I have.

From my understanding, guy do pay for dates. But when in relationship, is it normally dutch?  One meal alternatively? He wants equal contribution to our relationship. We had a fight over this and he gave in.

When we talk about family,  he say he expect his wife to continue work after pregnancy because he think women will become shallow and obsolete if they don’t.  Is this a common beliefs among the Singaporean?  I don’t intend to be a housewife but taking out the option is another thing.

I know each relationship is unique and we are all dealing with different things.  The objective is this post is just to understand the social norms Singaporean guys have. I am just confused that is my bf the norm or not.

My bf still treated me very well and love me a lot. He did pay for most of the date and I pay for some dates. He pay for the food,  I pay for the drinks.

Netizens’ comments

• I think equality is very important! He should have a baby for each baby you pop out too, if not then very unfair sia.

• Well… As ladies we believe that we are capable of paying our own meals. However, we would want to date a guy who will pay for dates. We offer to pay and go on dutch is one thing. However, having gentleman traits is another. Especially is BF status.
  And if the guy is stingy looking at everything 50-50 then is ok. Is a sign of not a long term partner.
  So imagine married and we have to split 50-50 for all utilities, grocery, kids expenses and so on. Then we get ourselves a roommate and not husband. As will they split pregnancy with a 50-50? House chores with 50-50? Child mining with 50-50? Are we going to charge base on surrogate mother? Nanny? Maid? And split that 50-50 from there?
  This is totally nonsense.
  I agree that a family should shoulder expenses together but as a guy he should carry more portion of it too. As a lady we should also assist to carry some of the burden by paying some and taking responsibility of the household.
  Otherwise there is no need to married if marriage is about 50-50. We could live better being single.

The author, who went from extreme poverty to wealth, expresses confusion and curiosity about the spending habits of rich individuals in Singapore. They recount experiences where colleagues took them to expensive shops where simple items, like shirts and caps, were priced exorbitantly. Despite having the means to afford such luxury items, the author questions the rationale behind buying things that seem overpriced and, in their view, unnecessary.

Here is the story:

This is potentially a sensitive topic, but I need to ask about the “rich people culture”

Okay so, might be long, I’ll do my best to make it short and I’ll be as respectful as I can. I really genuinely am curious. For context, I used to be extremely poor, but with a lot of hard work over the years, managed to move to Singapore for new opportunity and, I have now became pretty rich, but, I’m having a huge culture shock that I just couldn’t wrap my head around.

Okay so, as I moved here about months ago, my colleagues invited me to go around shopping over the weekends. I wasn’t very close to them, but I joined them cause why not. Then they brought me to these…luxurious places? Like this place (forgot the name) sold shirts. The shirts looked so plain, and blank colours, with simple materials, but…it cost 300 SGD…? Then there’s this cap, I forgot the name, selling for 200 SGD? Then they brought me to those luxurious bags like LV and whatnot etc. and all these time I thought they cost about 250 SGD kind of luxury but…one of the bags my colleagues bought cost 5000 SGD…..and….its a very small bag, that you can probably fit a phone and wallet and it’ll be full….

My collegues started asking me why am I not buying these luxurious wearings, and all I said was “I don’t plan to right now”, but in reality, I don’t plan to ever. Just for comparison, my shirt cost 3 SGD and it looks nice to me and I’ve been wearing it for years. My bag cost about 20 SGD and it has good quality, long lasting, and can fit many many things. So yeah, u get it. My questions is….why do rich people buy expensive….useless things?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am rich now, I can afford to buy many of those bags and all, but…..why? That bag is so small….and it cost a car? And there’s people buying it…? But…what’s the use? Why buy an overpriced cap when you can just wear a 2 SGD cap? Why buy an overpriced shirt when a 5 SGD shirt, that looks exactly the same serve the same purpose? I just….why? What’s the use? Is it just purely to show off? Just to let people know that you’re rich? Just for people to look up to you?

In case you’re wondering, all the money I earned is only spend on basic needs, and the rest I decided to give away to my younger sibling’s education, and charity for others.

Also, please don’t give me the “Their money their life” or similar answer, I get it. I’m asking all these coming from someone who was extremely poor, so these whole thing is really news to me. I’m trying to understand better.

My wife puts zero effort into my birthday, Christmas or our anniversary but expects me to go all out for hers.

I’m turning 39 on Sunday. My love language is gift giving and I love giving people I love gifts of all sizes. I truly get joy from doing it.

But the flip side is that I kinda build up my birthday, Christmas and our anniversary in my mind. It’s not just a lust for stuff, as experiences are amazing to me.

It just means a lot when someone puts in even a fraction of the thought but I do when it comes to the gift. But since the beginning of our relationship and the nearly 6 years we’ve been married, my wife is put in next to zero effort when it comes to giving me any kind of gift.

Almost every time I’m told that “it just kind of snuck up on me and I had to find something last minute“. While I can understand that random gift-giving is not her love language, those three dates don’t move. They are the same every year and I don’t understand how they can just “sneak up on you“.

But when it comes to giving her gifts on those days she makes it very clear the expectation is that lots of thought and sometimes money goes into it. And I love giving her gifts. Big, small, expensive or free. When something pops into my mind of something I can get her, it brings me so much joy to get it and see her face.

It just hurts that I feel she doesn’t care how it makes me feel to be an after thought. Because she is not that way with her brothers her parents or her cousins. With them, she goes all out. Plans parties, really maps out and plans extremely thoughtful gifts. It just doesn’t seem that she thinks I warrant the same.

I’m sure people will think that I’m whining or beating greedy. And I can understand how it might look like that. But I don’t care if she got me something from the dollar store or even found on the side of the road.

It’s much more about the fact that little to no thought goes into things and it seems like getting me anything is more of a chore than a joyful experience. And it really, really hurts.

I’m a 30 yo working adult, female, and financially independent since ~10 years ago. Yet my mom is still trying to control my life. I have a job that I find meaningful and pays well, yet my mom thinks i have not reached the level of achievements she expected and wanted me to do a PhD (any discipline; she only cares about the title anyway).

For context, I have a Master’s degree (funded by scholarship, didn’t spend my parents’ money). I have no interest in going into academia or research, or spending 5-6 years on another degree I neither need nor want, and offers no better job security in today’s economy.

My mom is not university educated, held an admin-type job for her entire career, and retired a few years ago. Her life advice is usually supported by her intrinsic feelings rather than facts.

When I told her my views, she got pretty nasty and even used this as a reason to object to my upcoming marriage to my long-time partner (“you haven’t reached the apex, hence too early to be dragged down by a family”).

Am I the wrong if I just proceed doing whatever I plan to do (get married and continue living my life without a PhD)?

Here are what netizens think:

You are adult enough to decide ur future. She may advice or say nasty things but one thing for sure, she dont and cant control ur life. So do what you need to do

The average human lifespan in Sg is around 83 years. You can decide if you want to continue being under her thumb for the next 53 years or pander to her every desire at the expense of your emotional well-being.

Nvr succumb to other’s expectations of you. Do what your heart says (not brain) always. Bcoz there will be one day (if you follow your parents’ wishes), that you will regret the things you didn’t do instead. 

Basically the my fiancee is “doing” my best friend.

Okay so the basic love story, met in uni fell in love blah blah blah. I and my best friend have been best friends since JC. I found out through a mutual friend that she (my best friend) told me for some reason, I guess she thought that she wouldn’t tell me because they’re closer?

Anyways I don’t believe at first because you know That’s my best effing friend, but the mutual goes into detail about times my fiancé was “working late” or “visiting his sick mom” in which he refused to let me come because of the pandemic which I understand okay, but it was all fake he was with her. So I sit on the new all day come home he’s acting normal telling me he loves me, but I wait till we go to bed and when he’s asleep I check his phone.

so nothing on iMessage nothing on Facebook nothing on Snapchat then I open Instagram….. message after messages of Texting, nudes, talking about how they enjoyed each other bodies talking about how stupid I was for not knowing.

I go to the bathroom all the way on the other side of the apartment we share and have a mental breakdown I was hurt and still kinda am I take screenshots of their messages and send them to myself.

The next day rolls around and I didn’t sleep at all my fiancé goes to work I take the day off and my ex-best friend texts me asking if we could hang I make up an excuse and that was the end. I take a long walk contemplating what I should do next, those text messages keep popping into my head and then I just kinda snap out of it. I had a bad childhood where my parents who would take away things I loved to teach me a lesson so I kinda master the art of snapping out of love just like that

I go home and take a long bath and by the end of it I was over him and her they deserve each other, anyways a week goes by and I’m at my cousins wedding and their interaction is hilarious there just so awkward it’s entertaining, I have a revenge plan that is going to come into plan on my wedding day in a month

yes you guys I have my Financials in order well actually there separate from one another, we might share the apartment but I own it, it’s in my name his car is in my name “our dogs” are mine , and for the people telling to just leave imma go with no. Why should I leave and let them get away with this if only you saw how they were talking about me in there text messages it was disgusting and just cruel. I’m going to do everything to look clueless and play stupid just for a little while and then boom it’s over. OH AND HES PAYING FOR THE WEDDING NOT ME OR MY FAMILY!

S assaulted at 14 – should I report this 16 years later?

I was s assaulted by my ex-colleague when I was 14 years old while working for those part-time job. It has scarred me ever since and I can’t seem to overcome the trauma.

His siblings are still on my social media and sometimes I search to find out how my predator is doing. He is married with a child and looks happy. I cannot forget the day when he tricked me into a secluded corner thinking it was some surprise celebration.

The worse thing is he did not only assault me once but twice. I was too young and scared to tell anyone then. He told me he did it because he love me and that screwed up my mind and perception of love. After that, he said he did it because every guy in his secondary school has already done it.

I remember I did not fight back and froze in terror. The smell, the moment is still vivid and I sometimes freeze if I smell something similar to that moment.

I definitely have mental illness after that as I am often thinking to take my own life. Sometimes I feel like I should have reported him to the authorities. Is it too late? Will anyone believe me? Can I see justice done?

What will happen to his baby?

I feel so much misery. Seeing a private mental health professional costs $200 per hour. I tried going to IMH and got referred to a psychiatrist and psychologist but the psychiatrist/psychologist kept looking at the clock or watch. I hated how they ask me to rate my emotions on a notepad. Stupid SOP.

It definitely didn’t work.

I also got referred to a community Center counsellor and she ask me to look at the flame in the candle to have peace or listen to the sound of water. What kind of bull sheet is that?!

When I started work, there were incidents when male colleagues tried to kiss me or ask me to go and bring them around at night. I dress conservatively and work hard, so is this a common and normal thing?

So many problems and no one to turn to.

I thought we had a good intimate life, we were open and honest (I thought), had intercourse on average every other day, and had been together for just over 3 years.

My gf has always been secretive, but I never had any reason to think it was a red flag. One day she got a suspicious text though, so I logged in to her phone and saw very clear evidence of her cheating.

What struck me though was that she was extremely graphic about her “needs” and how I wouldn’t be able to meet them because I am not into it (I won’t go into detail about what they are). I am not vanilla by any means and am more than happy to try new things, so I am stumped as to why she didn’t bring this up with me and instead resorted to cheating.

Over the next few days I was deliberating on what to do, and what I settled on is extremely petty and may make me an asshole.

After a couple of drinks for Dutch courage, I initiated and immediately started to do the kinds of things she described in those messages. She was clearly taken off guard, but in a good way as she was very much enjoying herself, a lot more than usual. In fact, I can’t lie, it was amazing seeing how vocal she was about how it felt etc and I almost didn’t follow through with what I did next.

I was edging her for a while (part of what she described as loving in the texts) and was making her beg and plead to allow her to come.

I obliged and as she was convulsing and screaming, I leaned into her ear and told her what I saw and that she was now dumped, while she was coming.

I then left the room and the apartment after grabbing a few things.

Since then I haven’t spoken to her and don’t plan to, but she has been blowing up my phone (I haven’t opened the messages).

I have been single for all my life (25 years, male). I have tried dating apps for around 2 years now, and while I do get some matches (one per month on average), I think the problem is me because I can never seem to get out of the talking stage.

I have only been on 1 date my whole life. The pandemic did make finding people outside of apps difficult, but even now as I try social groups etc the people there just aren’t in my age range.

How does, or should, one acquiesce in the fact that one may never be able to find a partner?

A lot of people tell me being single is great: I have freedom, I can save money etc, that I should just wait for the right one and she will come eventually, that I should embrace my singlehood, that I should love myself more and all the typical things that people in a relationship will tell their single friends etc etc.

I just feel so lonely and sad. But the reason why I desire a companion is because I’m not close to my family and my friends rarely entertain me anymore (due to school/work/presence of girlfriend etc).

I suppose in life, there are some things that one just cannot have… For a good education at NUS and a stable, high-paying job in the civil service, I seem to have traded all that in in return for not having a love life (or rather, an ugly face).

My job is highly demanding and stressful and I’m just so afraid I’ll go crazy if I don’t have an outlet/supportive network to seek.

So I guess my main questions is: How would/should one acquiesce in not being able to find a partner for emotional support?

Editor’s note: For the readers, “acquiesce” means to accept something reluctantly.

Regarding FWBs

I have a FWB that’s been going on for over 6 months now. Initial months were really great- we were both hot and heavy for each other. And the S was pretty mind blowing.

I’m not looking for a serious relationship (and neither was he) so this worked for both of us.

However, lately I can feel the interest waning.

He goes for days without even texting me at all sometimes. Don’t ask me how I know but I know for a fact he’s active on dating apps. I know we aren’t an item or romantically dating, but it still stings, knowing that while he’s xxxxing me regularly he’s still swiping on apps to find & chat with other girls.

I think the problem with a lot of these men who want FWBs is that they only think about the “benefits” and they totally forget about the “friends” part of the equation.

I was ill recently and not once did he even check in on me to see if I was alright or needed anything. If the roles were reversed, I’d have either cooked some congee or ordered food on delivery apps and had it sent to his place; to at least make sure he ate. That’s what friends do.

Disappointed but not surprised.

I blame myself for having any of these expectations in the first place.

The truth is, I’d have happily continued this FWB thing for years and years & just enjoy it for what it is, because I don’t believe in so called committed relationships or marriage anymore; but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care much about me and doesn’t even behave like a friend to me in times of need….. it has totally turned me off.

All it takes is a tiny little bit of effort and men don’t wanna do it. But they love complaining that women don’t want them, don’t respond on dating apps, don’t wanna go on dates with them.

Gee, I wonder why. You men have made yourselves absolutely not wanted nor needed. Don’t complain.