How can I (31F) not become bitter about my partner (32m) not wanting to propose yet?

We’ve been dating for over 3 years and living together for 2. I have a 4 year old who has only ever known him as her father (bio dad passed away shortly after I became pregnant). I want to marry this man. He is wonderful, kind, caring, funny, patient, an excellent lover, and a great dad.

But he hasn’t proposed. And each time I’ve brought it up, 4 or 5 times in the last year, he has a different reason for not proposing. From wanting to get me a ring (which I don’t care about. He could propose with a ringpop and I’d be delighted) to wanting more savings, to him wanting to lose weight (I think he’s sexy as hell).

I’m starting to feel myself becoming bitter. I can’t watch movies or TV shows about marriage and weddings and proposals without getting jealous and insecure. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and I believe he wants that too. I jusylt find myself wondering if he’s ever going to propose or if we’ll always just be dating when I want more.

How do I control my emotions about this? I don’t want to rush him into anything but I don’t want to become bitter either.

Netizens’ comments

1. Maybe he just doesn’t want to marry you.
2. Ok so first let me say I understand. This is a slippery slope. I have never been obsessed with the idea of marriage but after years with SO I began to see some value in it. Bottom line , I want it, SO doesn’t. After 5 years I called it quits. He will be moving out in the next few weeks. I understand not wanting to pressure him as that benefits no one. You also don’t want to linger too long and become resentful. Only you know that balance. Hopefully he feels the way you do and is already a step ahead but if he isn’t there yet (if ever) then you have to consider your next move. Good luck to you!
3. Has he point blank told you he doesn’t want to marry you? If he says he’s not sure then take him at his word and break up. He would know if he wants to marry you by now. So if he hasn’t proposed and your pressuring him hasn’t helped the situation then it’s time to cut the cord and break up. I get he’s the only father your child has ever known but there’s not much you can do about that if he doesn’t want to be a permanent part of your life.

If you found out your spouse was cheating on you, what would you do?

in the wake of the recent controversies, i realised that all of them are “healing with their families” which is inconceivable to me.

if i found out that my spouse was unfaithful, there would be a divorce immediately with no exceptions. if there are children involved, that would solidify the decision even further.

i would never want my children to grow up while being influenced by someone who could hurt their own family like that. what does everyone else think about the controversies and what would you do?

Netizens’ comments

1. I used to think that things were always black and white. But growing older and hearing more stories of different perspectives, it really depends on who else is involved (kids, usually) and what the situation was and what your spouses attitude is like. Personally, I’m still more skewed towards not forgiving, but guess just wanted to put it out there that circumstances aren’t usually always so clear cut.
2. To all the married cheaters, yes after marriage for years, it’s easy for the rs to grow stale, with neither party bothering to ‘ignite the spark’ anymore. But despite this, you have made the decision, you have made the vow, the least you can do is to exercise some discipline and not act like an animal.
   To answer the question, no way in hell would I keep the rs. Ill learn to manage the aftermath, but ill get a divorce no matter what.
3. i have friends who stayed on in their marriages despite spouses cheating. love is a complex thing and not so easy to always walk away. plus, the cheating spouse didn’t not love their partners.
   trust is difficult to be rebuilt but it was. the ones who betrayed chose to forgave, didn’t forget, and their spouses chose to practise radical, radical honesty, working on rebuilding the trust.
   keyword: chose.
   i think there are also different degrees of cheating too and divorce may not be the immediate answer to all of them. you have running a whole different family on the side kind of cheating on one end, and also emotional cheating with no intimacy etc. of course many other types out there.
4. They all have children. The impact of an immediate divorce on the kids cannot be taken lightly. It’s not at all inconceivable that trying to mend the relationship can at least be attempted for the sake of the family.
   That said, healing with their families and an eventual divorce also need not be mutually exclusive events.
5. Leave and take half of everything. Once a cheater always a cheater. The trust can never be regained once broken.

The best comments so far

I’m grossed out by my boyfriend’s hygiene.

Don’t get me wrong this man is sooooo good looking, love him to pieces he’s a great guy, but he can be pretty gross.

He showers once every 5-6 days (his least amount of time was 4 days.) he never takes care of the perfectly straight teeth he’s got, never brushes them his toothbrush has been the same one for 4+ months, he eats food that’s sat out in his room for 2-3 days in his room.

He works in manual labor so his hands are always dirty and dry which I understand however they still go unwashed.

He uses the same sponge for months to clean his dishes, he never cleans the garbage in his room and if there’s flies or ants he’ll just light a candle.

I love him but he needs to learn to take care of himself and not live like a dirt ball. I know I can be a clean freak myself but I am a firm believer taking a shower after working with dirt and dust and chemicals all day is not a lot to be expected from someone.

Netizens’ comments

1. Man’s got a whole micro civilisation living in his body.
2. As someone who’s in construction, I can’t even imagine not showering after getting home. Even if I f-ed off half the day.
3. I’m grossed out by your boyfriend’s hygiene. And don’t be surprised by constant UTI’s or other infections if you’re intimate. Ewww.
4. I’m grossed out by your acceptance of this. What in the hell could be attractive?!
5. You’re allowed to pick your expectations up out of hell op. I promise you no matter how pretty this man is it will not be worth surviving in the literal petri dish that would be his home and body.
6. I’m grossed out that you want to continue with someone who doesn’t shower or brush his teeth. Good luck with that.
7. I don’t mean to sound harsh, I really don’t, but being willing to get intimate with someone whose hygiene is so nasty seems to indicate you don’t have a lot of self-respect or at least, don’t see your own self-worth.

not wanting to give my wealthier sister the lion’s share of the inheritance?

Yesterday, my parents sat me (31 M), my two brothers (32M, 34M) and my sister (41 F) down to discuss their will.

My parents informed us that they want to split it five ways, my sister gets 2/5 while the three of us brothers get 1/5 each.

Their reasoning is that my sister “sacrificed” her childhood for our family so its only fair she gets compensated.

In our childhood, my father’s business partner screwed him over so there was a period where we were broke and in debt.

My parents had to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat, and my sister babysat us while our parents worked.

All she had to do was feed us and keep an eye on us. We were pretty calm kids so all we did was play games and do our homework. It probably wasn’t thrilling, but not exactly a tremendous hardship.

I complained to my parents along with my brothers that its insane they want to give my sister 2/5 of the inheritance over that, especially since she’s financially the best off out of all of us. She doesn’t have any kids and a dual income with her partner.

My parents said they’re disappointed in us, and said we need to reflect on ourselves. My sister didn’t say shit while my parents spoke, but texted us afterwards that she had zero intention of taking 2/5.

Netizens’ comments

1. Even if she just stayed at home while you were there, she didn’t have teenage freedom and she made sacrifices and took on responsibilities. It doesn’t matter how affluent she is now, your parents are trying to pay her back for what they couldn’t pay her then.
2. Not many parents are willing to acknowledge that they parentified a child. Your sister sacrificed her teenage years to help your parents take care of you. There may not have been any inheritance at all for you to quibble over, if not for her unpaid labor back then.
3. First of all, you are not entitled to any of your parents’ money, they could have thrown it all into a river and that would have been fine. Second, yes, she did in fact make a huge sacrifice by basically becoming a third parent and babysitting you all the time. All the time you’ve spent playing? She could have been out with her friends, enjoying her childhood, and instead she was making sure her siblings were fed and out of trouble. You are terribly entitled.

the older I get, the more I realize a lot of people are successful because of their parents.

I love my parents. But they were absent for most of the major decisions I made. I started working under the table at 12 to help make ends meet and have been working ever since.

I’ve never gotten any help from them financially. They never taught me how to budget or look for jobs. I don’t blame them and never expected this from them.

But I can see the opposite for a lot of my friends. I worked for someone who is lauded as a business owner, but if you hear the full story, you find that his mom funded and helped with his business, and his parents bought him a house to live in so he didn’t have to pay rent when he first started his business.

I have many friends who have the jobs they have, the cars they have, the house they have, because their parents knew someone or their parents bought it for them or paid for a down payment. I know this because they have told me.

Anyway, I’m just venting. But I can’t help but wonder how my life would be different if I had been blessed with parents who had money or degrees or nice jobs.

Editing to add: I’m not saying your success is based on your parents. You can have awesome parents and still manage to f up your life and you can have bad parents and get out of it.

But at the same time, I used to think there was something inherently wrong with me because others I knew were successful or had things I didn’t.

But as I get older, it’s easier for me to see that not everyone who I assumed was just better at life than me are really that way, some have had a lot of help that I’ve never had.

And that’s okay. If anything, it makes me feel less like a loser because I’ve figured things out on my own instead of consistently having help from family. But still doesn’t mean I could potentially be better off had I had support growing up.

Am I wrong to desire that my wife do things with me she did with her earlier partners?

I’m a 50m, married to my wife 46f for 22 years. My wife is the only partner I have ever had. While dating my wife told me a lot of details about her previous bedroom activities with her exes, including some specifics of giving guys oral.

Dating my wife went down on me very briefly a few times but never more than a couple of minutes and never to climax, yet enough for me to know I enjoy it.

We went through marriage counseling a few years ago for other issues. When the counselor asked if we wanted to discuss intimacy she cut it off immediately. I wanted to but she didn’t.

Since we have been married my wife has brought me to climax twice orally. Outside of that there have been a handful of times she has gone more than a couple of minutes, otherwise at most it’s a 20 second tease.

It makes me angry and frustrated, but she seems to think it’s funny. She’s even promised oral for other big favors only to either just give me a short couple of minutes or so nothing at all. To say the least that frustrates and irritates the living hell out of me.

I perform oral a lot on her. I have also bought toys to use on her which she really loves. For me, all she does is say “hop on” and basically use her as a hole.

I want more but she has zero desire. It’s turned into me not wanting to do much because I know I’ll work hard for little reward other than bland humping.

A lot came out of that situation, including me finally telling her it hurts me that she won’t do with me what she did with other guys in the past.

Then when I at least try to come up with a solution that would work for her too she blows up and throws it in my face.

She then tried to say she was drunk when she went down on all of those guys. I called her out on that too because some of the stories would have implied she hadn’t been in a position to drink.

I kept my cool although I wanted to yell back at her. She eventually said she doesn’t like f-ing me, hates the toys (which is a lie because she finishes every time with them), and has no desire to do anything extra for me. I let it go, and even apologized for bringing it up even though I had nothing to apologize for.

I feel like I’m missing out and that I’m going to die one day having been denied something I really want. Worse, I’m thinking about all of the other guys my wife pleasured but here I am being denied.

I honestly want to go punch them in the face even though it’s not their fault. It hurts and it sucks.

I dont know, maybe I’m being irrational?

I’ve had this couch for less than a week. She came over two days ago wearing these stretchy crotch shorts. She calls me hours after she leaves the house pissed that I didn’t tell her she was bleeding through her clothes.

I told her I didn’t notice, then I look at the couch where she was sitting, and there’s the stain. I told her about this via text, and she sent laughing emojis.

I wouldn’t be as pissed if she weren’t 35 years old, but I’m just so angry. This is brand new furniture (not even a week old!), and the warranty doesn’t cover this sort of thing. I was once so happy about the couch and now all I can think about is how it has her period blood on it.

And of course scrubbing it up was disgusting, the stain is still there.

Edit: Just to clarify, having a period is not disgusting, it was the fact that she didn’t apologize or offer to help, so I had to scrub up her bodily fluid myself to try and save the couch. Nor did she offer to clean it. Cleaning up a capable adult’s period blood is disgusting. You try scrubbing up that brown/orange crust, and let me know how it goes.

we’re all adults here. I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is she didn’t know her days were coming and she wore something thin, but not even trying to rectify the situation is what makes this so angering. Not even an apology.

Also crazy the assumptions people are making about this stain. We took off the cushion cover, and it’s on the stuffing/foam material.

Netizens’ comments

1. Hydrogen peroxide asap. Let it sizzle up for a minute and gently wipe it off. Repeat a couple times then scrub the rest off with baking soda.
2. She was pissed at YOU?
   Man. You need a new sister. I hope you don’t need a new couch too.
3. Your sister didn’t mean to bleed on your couch, of course. And she didn’t realize she was bleeding through her tampon/pad/whatever. You should be understanding, but you do have a right to be annoyed at her projecting and laughing about it. If it was me who did that, I’d offer to clean it up even if the other person wasn’t angry.
   Stuff like this happens even to adult women sometimes. It’s why I always pack an extra pad/tampon whenever I leave and make sure to check frequently, especially on the days when it’s the heaviest. However some women start their period and not even know they’re bleeding. It really does suck.
   So, yeah mistakes happen, but she does need to take personal responsibility.