Toxic sister in law

Just seeking a place to rant it out. I am a semi deaf woman in my 30s ( deaf in one ear). I am an infant care assistant teacher working in a childcare centre.

I just got married last year and currently staying with my in laws as husband and I are trying to ballot for a HDB flat. We have failed to get the ballot twice.

Tonight I heard my sis in law mentioned about me to my husband after dinner. She told my husband: ” are you sure your wife is working as a teacher? She’s deaf you know? How can a deaf person teach? I don’t believe she’s working as a teacher, most possibly a cleaner at the centre. Cleaners are smelly and disgusting, that suits her better as she’s deaf. I think you married the wrong woman.”

I heard her, calmly I walked out of the bedroom and i told her this: You are a uni graduate from Australia, yet you don’t have the basic manners or humanity. Your parents ( my in laws) wasted their money grooming you. I hope that when you are old, you won’t need a job as a cleaner”.

My husband told her: ” please land yourself a job first before commenting on others. Who I marry is none of your concern as well”

My sil is currently not working and slacking at home.

Just a thought that I want to share. Just because one is a university graduate doesn’t mean he/she can make fun of people whom are handicapped, whom are not well off or working at simple jobs such as food delivery or cleaners.

It’s been half a year since we broke up, but I can’t really find closure. At times, I thought I have moved on, I was happy to finally get you off my chest.

But then one day, I found your sweater in my closet (which I purposely did not return to you), and I turned my aircon temperature down just so I could put it on. It felt like you were holding me again, and all of a sudden, I was back to last December again. I know all the reasons for the break. I know feelings are no longer mutual, and that you no longer feel what I feel. Despite all that, I can’t move on.

If only I could turn back time to when we first met, when things were still new and fresh, and you still believed in me, I would change the way I carried myself. I wouldn’t get angry at you so often, and I would always remind you how much I value you.

But I know these are things ppl say when they no longer can do anything and regret the times they could still do something, and I’ve only realized now that whatever I was worrying about didn’t matter. You were what mattered most to me.

Here are what netizens think:

• Well realistically this is prob one of the many breakups you will experienced in your life before you find the one. Half a year of mourning is enough. Pls learn from past mistakes and move on. Life is a journey of experiences, self discovery and learning. No point dwelling on past mistakes, putting your head down and missing the best scenery ahead. 

• Take time to grief for the loss. Learn something from the past. Live your present mindfully, be a better person than you were yesterday. Have faith that you will be a better partner in the future.

• i hope you will be happy.

When a girl says that the guy has to earn similar or more than her, it is such a turn off.

These are the kind of girls who would leave you when things get tough for you, or when you fail to meet her financial expectation of you, or if you decide that you find more fulfilment in a job that pays lesser than the one you had before (where instead of being happy for you, she leaves because you now earn less).

Never mind the fact that you are loyal and loving to her, but because she already values you with a significant weightage based off what you can offer financially, why would she care?

I’m not stingy and would also want to spoil my future partner too, but I also do not want to be with a girl who is with me because of my earning power, or my potential earning power. This is not just a gold-digger thing, it applies to women who are “not gold-diggers”, but have these kind of “he has to be willing to pay more”, “he has to earn more than me” kind of mentality. It is not like women cannot earn money for themselves, so why the need for this kind of mentality? Why do you feel entitled to his money?

If a guy earns $100 a month because he is irresponsible and does not want to work much, then sure, that is valid, and is also unattractive to guys when girls are like that. But if he’s an upright man who is responsible and works for an honest living, treats you well and has good values, but yet you want to leave him because he earns less than what you personally want from a man, then you’re a huge red flag. Guy should avoid you.

And things like “he may earn less than me now but he must be driven and ambitious, so next time he can earn more to hit my expectations”, are also red flags. Are you with him because you like him for who he is, or are you with him under the condition that he has to earn more in future?

Money is important, but how much do you value money over the value of the person that you are with that you claim to love and care for? Do you stick through thick and thin, or do you lack loyalty and would leave him for someone who earns more?

Same for guys, if a guy says the girl has to earn similar or more than him and stuff like that in order for him to stay with her, it is also a red flag. No double standards here.

Do you think men or women care more about looks? In actuality, while society tends to say that men care more about looks, it is maybe not the case, and also could be because women just get away with wanting physical and superficial attributes more than men do, where men could get criticized for having standards.

When you ask a man what height would he be okay with, many men wouldn’t even care if the woman is taller than him, even though, yes it does play a part in how much the man would be attracted to her, but a man tends to be more accepting of a taller women than a woman is towards a shorter man.

When you ask a woman what height would she be okay with, women tend to more likely be not acceptable of a man who is shorter than her, even if the man is just 1cm shorter. They may say “as long as he is taller than me I’m okay”. But sometimes if you ask further, it turns out that it meant more like “as long as he is taller than me, and is at least 165-170cm”, even though the girl herself is just 150-155cm tall.

When the physique is in question, men seem to love a variety of body types, thin, chubby, curvy, fit, and more. As long as she is not underweight or overweight (which wouldn’t be as healthy too), then can la acceptable to the man, still hot.

But when it comes to women, if you as the man do not exercise much, and neither does she, but she is on the upper end of the scale (though not overweight yet), and you are on the lower end of the scale (though not underweight yet) for your respective heights, she could be heavier than you simply because she has more fats, while you on the other hand with an asian man build, do not put on much fats naturally. But yet, while you think she is hot and not affected by her being heavier than you, she may wish you would exercise more and put on more muscle so that you can be heavier than her, even though she herself don’t even exercise much, and she is the one who is on the heavier side respective to her own height, and you are not even at an unhealthy weight yourself too.

Furthermore, while both men and women tend to value the important personality and character values and traits, women still want other superficial things such as the man needing to have similar educational levels, what is his salary like, can he afford a nice car, will he buy an expensive wedding ring for her.

While men on the other hand don’t even care as much if you as the woman earn less, works as pizzahut cashier, or if the woman has lower educational levels.

I think women seem to be the more superficial one overall, when compared to men. What do you guys think? This is just a part of my view and of course what I say does not represent all men and women, feel free to share your thoughts!

Hi there! I’m a 23yo male this year and I have recently started working after graduation in a pretty well paying job.

Things are looking up for me and I also have a hunch that my girlfriend is going to propose soon because she has been probing me alot about ring preferences alot in the recent months.

TBH she doesn’t really have any red flags and has alot of green flags: she’s kind, caring, family-oriented and motherly. S is also very good and it helps that we both have high libido. Career-wise she is also doing very well too. I genuinely do see a future with her and want to start a family with her.

HOWEVER theres just 1 thing… she is 10 years older than me and we’ve been dating for about 10 years as well. And if you did the math… Well yeah, I think you’d get it. It kinda was child grooming? I’ll admit we starting having sex really early on into the relationship (less than a year) and we have been active throughout. We also haven’t been using any protection but in her defence, it was a mutual decision.

Honestly I’m torn after doing some self-reflection.On one hand, i really love her and want to have a family. On the other I find it hard to come to peace with the past. I find it kinda messed up.

I’m afraid that others will know about the past and whether it will affect my ability to be a good father to my children. I would say yes in a heart beat if she asked me for marriage a few months ago but now I’m not sure. Please advise this troubled boy!

Here are what netizens think:

• Marry the Jiejie don’t need think so much
• Is this a joke?
• Both OG and this is consider as child-grooming.

Nice guys finish last. When guys are nice to me, it makes me not want to be with them. Really turns me off.

When you say you want to eat something, or watch a movie, I will purposely mention something else different that I want to eat or watch instead. And if you try to be nice to me by changing your mind and say you are okay with eating or watching the same movie as me, I rather date someone more manly than you.

I want a man who dares to oppose me and do something different from what I say I want. If I say I want to eat this, you better oppose and suggest something else instead. STOP BEING SO NICE AND SAY YOU OKAY TO EAT THE SAME THING I WANT!

Sometimes I like to purposely disturb the guy and see what he do. If I insult you a bit and you dare to insult me back, or be insecure about it, especially if I try to tease things about your insecurity, then it means you are not manly enough. A manly man will not insult me back, and will not be insecure even if I try to disturb and hurt him. A manly man will show me that he can handle it and not be affected by me.

I don’t want to need to tell you what to do, you should know that whatever I tell you to do, you should not do. If not, then bye. It is not that we girls like to date bad boys, but bad boys are the ones who dare to oppose us and do what we do not want them to do. Too bad they also treat us like crap.

Here are what netizens think:

• U dont need a man. U need help.

• Nice guys and boh ji guys are 2 different people. There are nice guys who knows how to stand up for themselves when being treated wrongly.

• I’ve dated a girl like u before…..nah. Im just joking.

• This is the kind of girls that I will warn my guy friends to stay away

• it actually sounds like a displeased guy with this kind of girl who bullied him but yet he’s been submissive for so long he only has this method of venting his frustration. benefit of the doubt though if u really are a girl who wrote this it’s much more of a relief, nice guys dont deserve such abuse from u. leave them alone

Is there a stigma against being an heir of a large-ish family business in Singapore?

My father founded a construction firm that gradually pivoted into real estate investments over a 30-year career. He has two children, my older brother and me.

My older brother is highly educated and substantially older than I am. He went to the best IP school, then he attended Princeton for undergrad and has an MBA from Columbia. I was sent to Australia after doing badly for O-levels and I graduated with an accounting degree from Monash.

My father is sort of old school. Because I’m a girl and the younger sibling, he doesn’t believe that I should have anything to do with the business. After many an argument with him, I resigned to it as the way life just is. My dad has never refused money whenever I have asked for it. He never skimped on my education.

More importantly, my brother treats me very well. He always pays for everything whenever I go out with him. He also contributed to my husband’s student loans when my dad stood his ground and refused to help. I reasoned with myself that I already received far more than I should have had given my dad’s culture.

My father got into some health issues recently and his greatest wish is for my brother to take over the family business. My brother, now working in New York City, refuses to grant him his wish. The only reason that I have ever heard from him is the fact that he doesn’t want to be perceived as someone who inherited a fortune and did nothing to deserve it. The AUM of my father’s company, just for context, is well into the high 8-figures (this was a pre-Covid estimate). To me, it seems natural for a child to take over his parent’s business. It may not have squared with me that it had to be the first male child, but I never saw anything wrong with having a child for an heir. I attended a swanky foundation studies program in Melbourne and I have met many Singaporeans and Malaysians who are in-line to take over massive family businesses. If I had a successful business, my instinct is also to pass it on to the people I trust the most, in all likelihood it will be my children.

I really can’t be bothered what my brother decides to do. I just think his reason for doing it is a little puzzling.

Is there really a stigma in Singapore against children taking over family businesses? I see children taking over hawker stalls all the time. I also see children taking over wet market stalls, children taking over frozen seafood businesses, air-con service businesses, distributorships, and these are just the ones I know personally. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal to take over a business that someone genuinely wants to give you should it?

What do you guys think?

Where can I report aggressive plumber in Singapore?

My parents got a plumber to replace our water tap for kitchen but it leaked one day after he serviced, got him to come back to check about the water leakage.

He was super aggressive towards my mother, from the time he entered he scolded my mother for every single question she asked and even threw his tools bag on the floor several times after we confronted him.

After a while I told him to please speak nicely to my mum, he got even more aggressive, splashed the water everywhere in my kitchen and we quickly get him to leave the house (only 3 girls in the house so we are worried).

But he has our house address and my mum is home alone most of the time, im worried for her safety. My parents found this man through newspaper so I am not sure if he is from a legit company or not.

I have video of him scolding my mother.

Is there anything I can do?

Thank you in advance!

Netizens’ comments

1. u can go PUB website check if he is PUB licensed. i believe they have a search function to search by name. report to PUB if he is not licensed. meanwhile time to find a new plumber.
   quick tip, some town councils website do list some contacts for licensed contractors/plumbers/electrician. i think those are somewhat reliable.
2. Bad service is not illegal unfortunately. You can leave him a poor review somewhere I suppose, but the best course of action is probably to just move on from this incident if your family’s safety is of concern. Someone like him will likely run himself out of business with his poor attitude, you don’t need to get your hands dirty.
3. If he’s a one man show there is nobody to complain to. Best you can do is to make him viral on fb/tiktok. If he belongs to a company you can complain to his boss.
4. OP, if you take it to social media, I’d suggest you blur/cover your mom’s face and change her voice (voice changer) in the video if they are in the video.
   Also, if you take it to social media, just be prepared if that plumber sees the video and comes knocking on the door and your mom’s safety is endangered. Maybe u can install a door camera that can record video and voice. If that plumber comes, make sure that ur mom does not open the door.
5. Authorities probably won’t take action.
   If you really want it, best is to upload it and trend the company. If it’s his own company, the gg the reviews.
   If he’s just a worker, then the boss will deal with him accordingly.

Anyone else’s supervisor calls them a “very good boy/girl”?

Context: I’m a late 20s M and I’ve been working in my current company for a few months. As I am still relatively new, I’m always tagged to a more senior supervisor when we meet clients. My role during these meetings is to:

Observe and learn from my supervisor so that I can progressively become more independent

Assist my supervisor by bringing up graphs/charts, taking notes, making quick references to details of products being discussed whenever required

I do a decent job assisting my supervisors which is what is expected for me so most of my supervisors don’t really comment on my work and would only comment if I made some mistakes. Lately, I’ve been assigned more frequently to this new supervisor who’s from abroad. He’s quite young compared to the other supervisors (maybe early to mid-30s), hustles hard, and is fundamentally a nice guy.

Last Monday I was assigned to him again and it was a packed schedule where we had many back-to-back client meetings. The incident first happened when we were seeing our second last client. As I am now quite familiar with the products and discussions, I anticipated what he needed during the discussion and helped to facilitate a smooth and speedy discussion. Usually he would say “thanks” or “thank you v much” whenever I provided timely assist, but after that client he said “yes, very good boy, thanks”. I was slightly surprised but just shrugged it off since it was the first time.

However, last Thursday I was assigned to him again and same thing I assisted promptly. I was thanked with “yeah, good boy”, “yes thank you very good boy” and similar sorts a few times. I guess I am thankful that my work is being appreciated but I’m also amused at how after not being called a good boy for at least 15 years, I’m being called a good boy by someone who’s prob a few years older than me. I’m sure he means no malice but ya just quite amused by this.

Anyone else has experienced this? What would you do if you were/had been in my situation?

Tl;dr: Nice non-Singaporean supervisor at work who is prob just a few years older than me commended my efficient work by calling me a “very good boy”, which I find quite amusing but probably wont be taking any action.

Anyone else suffers from major social anxiety?

I feel extremely freaked out whenever I have a social situation coming up – business meals, meetings, networking sessions, coffee/meals with my partner’s friends, etc.

As a result, I just clam up and don’t speak at all. Which makes people think I am weird, anti-social, etc. 🙁

When I dig deep, I think it stems from my fear of what people think of me and me caring too much.

I think I am also quite a boring person with nothing interesting to add to the conversation? 🙁 No interest, no passion, no talent. Not particularly pretty, never lived overseas, etc.

Just want to be rid of this social anxiety forever!! As it is killing me on the inside so badly.

Wanted to let this out as I have a big social event coming up and I’m losing so much sleep over it. Can’t even focus on work, as I see the day coming nearer and nearer.

Netizen’s comments

As somebody who also goes through a lot of anxiety, all I can really say is, therapy can help a lot.

I think the keyword when it comes to anxiety is uncertainty. We encounter scenarios in our daily lives that are filled with unknowns – things that we can’t know for sure, things that we think might be able to harm us or damage us, and things that are just ambiguous. This is especially true about social situations, we don’t know how people will react to us, we don’t know what people think of us, and we don’t know how that will affect us going forward. It is this uncertainty that anxiety is ultimately predicated on.

Anxiety, like any other emotion, has an evolutionary purpose. It’s a reaction to a naturally ambiguous situations. It tells us to consider worst case scenarios and consider how we can better prepare for them. It tells us to be wary about certain things that can go wrong and gives us the energy and motivation we need to anticipate problems that arise. But anxiety can also be paralyzing – the overwhelming apprehension of possible bad scenarios can make it feel like the problem is just too large for us to tackle. And that all possible outcomes in this scenario will be bad and remain bad forever. Even if its something that might not be universally bad, it’s quite clear that it is something that deserves to be managed.

People struggling with anxiety, I think, tend to bias certain interpretations of ambiguous situations over others and this can lead to certain distortions in thought patterns that might not be extremely helpful. Let’s use an example to illustrate this: Let’s say you said hi to a colleague, and that colleague didn’t respond and instead looked annoyed. How would you react in this situation? If you’re anything like me you might start to feel worried that something you said or did resulted in your colleague not liking you for some reason. Maybe you might start to think about all the bad things that can happen if this colleague doesn’t like you. All of this reuslts in us becoming worried and developing a fear regarding future social contact. I think it’s worthwhile to stop at this point and to see what biases might have played a role in our thought pattern just now, and how it resulted in that worry that we experienced.

First interpretation biases: anxious people tend to favour negative interpretations of ambiguous scenarios over more positive or neutral ones. Our immediate reaction was to think that our colleague ignored us because we did something to upset them. But is this the only possibility? Perhaps they just didn’t hear us, or perhaps they were having a bad day due to something happening at home. We can’t know for sure of course, but let’s consider that there may be other reasons for why they are acting this way – reasons which may be as likely or even more likely than what we came up with at first. Here it might also be helpful to think about how you are personalizing his/her reaction; your immediate reaction was to think that his/her reaction was because of you, but let’s be clear, it’s very likely that you only form a very small fraction of his/her everyday life, and there are far more things that give that person stress, sadness, joy and excitement besides what you bring to them.

I think being able to stop and think about why you’re thinking about things in a certain way is extremely helpful in helping us to reflect on our emotions. From there we can start to reconsider whether or not these thought patterns are justified. But with anything, learning to overcome that anxiety is a process. It isn’t something that you decide to overcome one day, and become better overnight. There are a lot of exercises, worksheets, practices, that I think can all be extremely helpful along that journey, and a good therapist can really point you in the direction of the path that you need to take.