I (33) think my current husband (33) thinks it was my fault my ex husband was aggressive to me
The first time he told me this, it was before we got married. he said he didn’t mean it. So I forgave him.

Now I found out he told his Mom recently (2 weeks ago) that he still thinks that the reason why my ex hit me is because I had too much personality.

This hurts so bad. It took me a long time to convince myself that it was not my fault my ex hit me. The police who helped me in the past once said, there is no excuse for someone to hit a woman. It was one of the things that convinced me to leave my ex.

Now I am back to zero mentally. I am doubting myself again.

I’m not sure if I should confront him as he might just say whatever he thinks that will appease me. Of course he will tell me again that he does not think It was my fault. But does not really mean it.

What should I do?

We cant afford counseling.

Netizens’ comments

That’s victim blaming and it’s really messed up. Unless you are putting someone in true danger, there is never a good reason to get physical with someone. That’s why it’s a crime to do so.

People who say and think things like this are often not worth the air they breathe. It’s unfortunate that you have such bad luck with partners.

A man shared how he froze while being intimate with his girlfriend due to his past trauma.

Here is the story:

yesterday I froze while being intimate with my girlfriend and she asked if we should stop, I said yes and she backed off. I’ve never been treated like this before.

I am a 23-year-old man and I’ve been raped before. Twice. I’ve been molested too and this has affected me and subsequent relationships a lot.

2 days ago my girlfriend (23) was in my lap and we were making out and suddenly the images of rape came into my mind and I froze. She obviously sensed it and asked if everything was okay but I couldn’t answer and I’d begun to sweat.

She got off my lap and asked if I wanted to talk but i still couldn’t say anything. Then she asked if she should leave the room and I gave a small nod. She just grabbed her phone from the table and left.

This has never happened with me. Nobody has listened to my no before. It feels weird, different? I don’t know.

Next morning when I woke up she had made breakfast and left me a note saying if I wanted to talk I could call her anytime.

She came over after work and I thanked her for listening to me, I was almost in tears. She welled up too and said no obviously means no, but hesitation means no too. And that she would never knowingly hurt me.

I’ve never been treated like this before. My parents were crap, and almost every relationship I’ve had (3) were also similarly crap.

But she’s different, she’s been my rock when I’ve fallen low, she cooks for me because she wants me to be healthy, she leaves notes of affirmation all over the house for me to find and is generally the most genuine amazing person I’ve ever met.

I want to show my gratitude to her and want to tell her how much she means to me but I don’t know how? Also it’s still weighing on me how my say matters to her. Never in my life have I ever been treated this way.

So how do I tell how much she means to me ? And will I stop feeling this way ?

Back when I was around 8 or 9 I had gotten curious about a lot of things, with reproduction being one of them. However, me being a child and not knowing much about search history, and the fact we only had one big family computer, I didn’t know how to properly act on this curiosity.

One sunny day my parents and sisters weren’t home and my brothers were asleep and I decided that this was the day.

I would see my first explicit image.

As I typed all kinds of synonyms into the search bar I quickly learned there was a filter on the results for children, but I also quickly learned to take the filter off, and I got to see a woman with her chest out. When I was done viewing them I quickly closed all tabs, played some Barbie dress up, and went on my way to my room.

Later that day I hear an argument in the living room. My mom is scolding my brothers. I was only able to make out that she was telling them “do not EVER do that on the computer” “what were you thinking??” “What if the girls(me and my sisters) saw??”. All the while my brothers were constantly denying it.

I quickly realised what was going on. I peeked my head inside the room and asked what was going on and my mom quickly told me “nothing”, and that I should just go to my room. This confirmed it even more. Knowing I had just dodged a bullet, I obliged.

My mom saw the search history and assumed my adult brothers were more likely to look up that kind of stuff than her angelic young daughters, and though I definitely agree that my brothers probably consumed that kind of media as well, I am pretty sure they were knowledgeable enough to actually delete their search history after.

I will never ask them if they suspected one of us, I will never know if they knew, but something in me knows they knew. I also know they would understand.

Do I feel bad they got scolded? Yes. Would 8 year old me do it again? Probably.

Anyways if you read this I’m sorry bros

My boyfriend continues to be the mother figure in my life. I love it

I’ve talked about this here before, but I can’t get over the feeling. He’s so good at comforting me, being patient and doing fun things with me.

I went to his house (mind you were both 17) after a long shift at work and I was exhausted. He then offered to lend me some of his clothes so I can take a shower.

When I give him my dirty clothes he noticed bruises on my arms that I forgot I had from the night before.

He learned that I hadn’t eaten today because I was busy. He gave me snacks and water and eventually made me something to eat.

We spent time reading books and watching YouTube together.

Unfortunately in the midst of it I somehow started my period right then and there. I started cramping and he offered me some stomach massages and warmth.

While he massaged me, he talked about how beautiful I looked. And how I was a blessing to him. The rest of the day we just laughed and played.

His motherly ways make me feel 10 times better about my family and home life. As if things my real mother did to me never happened.

Whenever we hang out my problems just go right away.

Anonymous for obvious reasons.

My friends complain about their pay but do nothing about it… Long story short, I dropped out of school more than a decade ago because I had severe ADHD and wasn’t getting anywhere by conventional learning. I started reading books about basically everything and bettered myself.

After a year, I called a few small companies begging for a chance to consult for them knowing absolutely nothing in terms of work experience.

Fast forward 12 years.. I own a consulting firm, employ 10 field engineers, and 2 office workers. My company grossed $21.7 million in 2021. My expenses including payroll add up to 71% bringing in a total of $6.93 million of potential income for me yearly.

I don’t say this to brag. I say this to inspire. I live a rather modest life. So much so, my friends don’t even know I’m a millionaire and assume I only have $30k max in savings.

I’m usually the butt of education jokes in my circle but I just sit back and smile. Deep down I know education is a social construct, just another way of measure oneself against another.

Deep down I know that education is also important but not at the expense of believing in yourself.

People, believe in yourself!

I came home from work early (my hours are pretty unpredictable) and found female sneakers outside my home that weren’t mine.

At that point, I sort of already knew what I’d be walking into. My husband has recently become very fit and has been consistently going to the gym, during which he made a female friend who he even brought home for dinner last week.

She’s beautiful and thin and everything I am not, which instantly made me feel horrible. So, I talked to him about it. He encouraged me to build my confidence and reassured me he loved me and would always be loyal to me.

I walked into the laundry room from the garage and sort of tiptoed around the house before going upstairs.

They were in our bed, the midst of “doing it”. With a framed picture from our wedding above the nightstand next to it.

I silently left the room and got back in my car with tears streaming down my face and drove to get food and just sat in my car crying since.

Its now almost 6am (walked in on them at 7pm) and I’ve returned to work. He called me asking why I wasn’t home and I told him my shift is extended but in reality, I’m laying in one of the on-call rooms bawling my eyes out as I type this.

I feel so worthless and ugly and stupid. I don’t even know how to proceed. On one hand I want to divorce him and never see him again, but on the other hand, I’m an ugly woman….its not like I can do better. I feel so gross and the self-loathing is getting too much right now. Advice please.

So I’ve spent about 2 years being single. 2018 was when I had my last relationship. 2019 I had some failed attempts at dating but was really too preoccupied with some turbulent times at my job and dealing with some family drama to even bother using a dating app. 2020 Covid happened and since it’s not going away anytime soon I’ve recently started to do the whole dating app thing. And I feel like I’ve kind of hit a brick wall.

It seems like one of 2 scenarios happens with most of the people I match with: The first is when I start talking to them and possibly go on a date with them and it becomes quickly apparent that there’s just nothing there. We quickly run out of things to talk about. We struggle to find common interests, or more awkwardly find that we have opposite taste/interests/hobbies. It’s possible that we may be still attracted to one another on a physical level but it becomes obvious that there’s no substance there.

The second scenario is that the person I match with do find a lot to talk about and find common interests, and have that more friendly connection but after meeting in person I find that I’m not attracted to them. I might still very much enjoy talking to them but in terms of their personality, mannerisms etc it just makes the relationship very platonic for me and I can’t really get past that. Usually I cease talking to them because I don’t want to lead someone on.

This gets frustrating after a while because it’s really not often that I meet someone that I can click with and connect both on a mental/emotional and physical level. Except for recently, I met someone [29M] who I really clicked with right off the bat. Long text message exchanges all day every day type of deal, for a couple weeks. We went on a date, it went great, hung out at his place afterwards, had a helluva lot of fun (no hook up, just a couple drinks and good conversation), made plans for another date a couple days later. Except when that day came, he texted me that morning to say that he isn’t interested in dating due to personal issues and apologized if he wasted my time. I was kind of dumbfounded to say the least so out of not knowing what to say I asked him if it was me or if I was weird or something and he said that he just wasn’t over quite his last relationship yet. Which, I get what that feels like. But at the same time, it bums me out. 

I feel the COVID affects much more than people think, it has practically destroyed our lives.

9 months ago, my husband was at a friends birthday party, and he was drunk, and he got a BJ from some early-20s girl who was at the party, and then they apparently had S for a few seconds before he stopped and left. He told me the next day what happened. I was devastated, and also somewhat relieved. I am gonna be honest, there is an attractiveness gap between us, in that he is a very hot, fit guy and I am a chubby short woman lol.

I have, somewhat, always SLIGHTLY suspected cheating, its always been in the back of my mind since we started dating, like “why would he not cheat on me? he could get any girl he wanted”. But it was never too big for me to really think THAT much about it. ANYWAYS, when he told me that, some part of me was relieved, in that I know now that he does feel bad about cheating and that he isn’t banging supermodels every week while I’m at work.​

I was still devastated though to a large extent, and I told my sister and mother about it and we talked for a while. They really wanted me to leave him, they have absolutely zero tolerance for it, but I was pretty torn and wanted to stay. I ended up staying. We do have an amazing marriage together, and one drunken mistake that he right away apologized over… it seems absolutely absurd that I could just give up my 13-year marriage over it. We are very happy together, I couldn’t even really imagine my life without him. Hes a bit of an goofball idiot but thats okay.​

But my family, they are seemingly angry with me over my decision. They bring it up to me a LOT, how they hate him, how they think I need to leave him, and how horrible cheaters are. I’ve told them, please, stop bringing this up, its my marriage. They just won’t listen, its like they think I am under some kind of spell.

Did my husband put a gong tao on me?​

My sister is the bravest, most intelligent, and most beautiful person I know.

She survived a relationship where her bf beats her. It took her some time, but she was able to pick herself up and is thriving. I admire her so much for her strength.

She confined to me that she contracted genital herpes. She discovered it after she had escaped. It took a toll on her emotionally and mentally.

I was with her whenever she got depressed about her diagnosis

To make her feel better, I did extensive research during the time to let her know how common herpes is and it’s extremely manageable.

In the process, we ended up educating ourselves on it a lot and we both learned a lot about it. It helped with her coping with her diagnosis.

Whenever she feels down, I remind her about what we learned. Taking medication to prevent transmission is really no different than taking birth control and the odds of transmitting are very low.

The odds of getting pregnant on birth control are just the same as catching herpes when someone is on medication.

After a while, she finally was able to go back out there and date again. She was dating this great guy who I thought was a great match for her.

She then tells me that she decided that he wasn’t the one for her because he was a divorced single dad and she doesn’t want to be a stepmom.

I tried to very gently tell her that, although herpes isn’t life threatening, her having herpes doesn’t give her much options and that the herpes stigma unfortunately provides her with the worst case scenario.

It sucks, but if we’re being realistic, people sadly look down on people with herpes.

People would rather date single parents as opposed to someone like her, someone with herpes.

When I told her this, it offended and hurt her when I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to make her see that at this point, her standards shouldn’t be as high as they are because now her dating pool is limited.

It’s even more limited now since we are both in our 30s. So, if she wants to settle down soon, she needs really think about lowering her standards.

Editor’s notes: You’re talking about stigma and yet stigmatizing her, hypocrisy.