If you’re a parent and you have loose morals, don’t ever tell your children about it when they are still young.
What you say, matters, and can be remembered for life.
My parents divorced when I was in primary school. I remember it came to a point that they were always arguing and sometimes the police gets involved. Looking back, I realise they are 2 very toxic individuals. My dad was very vulgar with a colorful language and when he drives, he always get angry and jerk the car forcefully to scold other drivers. I can’t remember the number of times my face has smacked or has squashed to the back of the front seat. My mother likes to slap, cane, without saying a word. Sometimes I really have no idea what I did wrong. She don’t allow me to speak. She is also bias. She favors boys.
I think I was lucky that I was able still able to cope and pass each year. My younger sibling, lost interest in studies and fail year after year. Our oldest sibling, totally shut down and started to treat the home like a hotel. I almost never see him. I think all of us have very low self esteem.
After the divorce, we all have to stay with my mother. Since she works, we are often left alone which I am glad. Because when she is around she will get angry and scream at us, mainly at me and my younger sibling, throw things at us. Curse us for being born. Say Because of us, she got no freedom. She have mini screaming matches every week while she will do a huge screaming fest every 2,3 months until the entire row 4,5 blocks also can hear. It’s very stressful being around her because you don’t know when she will get triggered. We have no right to our things she will use and throw without any regard for our feelings. If she didn’t like my storybook title, my stickerbook, she just throw. If there is a letter for me, she just open and read. If she saw my diary on my bed, she will read it and mock what I’ve written inside. I don’t feel like I matter in her eyes.
When I’m in my teenage years. She forbid me to go out with friends so I don’t have much friends and I got kicked out of my clique because I was never able to go out with them. She call me a prostitute for experimenting with make up. I was getting pretty fed up with her abuse. So I start to ignore her. If I spoke up I would get slapped so I got used to being quiet. Once she wanted to get a reaction out of me and repeatedly slap me until I hyperventile. She accused me of taking drugs and repeatedly shook me to agitate me more. She only stopped after my eldest sibling stood forward and intervened to give me medical attention. After that she exclaimed, so now I cannot slap you hor. But she never hit me again after that. I think it’s also because my brother threatened her not to.
During semester breaks she would ask me to join her on whatever job she is doing. She doesn’t stay in a job for long. So all those non permanent jobs, a teenager like me, was able to join her. She fooled me several times. She wanted me to work together with her so she can draw 2 salary. This one time, the job pays well for 1 month, I was excited and thought this time I can get myself something nice, she took my entire salary for my brother’s school fees instead. I did willingly gave her all my pay. But I didn’t like it that she lied to me about it and I feel she did not love me as her child at all because I am a girl. She always reminded me that she hated me the most out of the 3 of us because I look the most like my father. She also curse me when I have a daughter, I shall be hated for being ‘unfilial’ to her now.
My dad died sometime after the divorce and we have always been distant so I did not have a close enough relationship to cry over him that much.
She fall out with all the relatives because of her temper and we have no close contact with them. She don’t have long term friends. No one is good enough to be her friend. She made us her everything and it’s suffocating at times.
Over time, my mother started to date men. She told me, because she got children, it is our fault that no men want her. That’s why she have to settle for married men who are bored with their wives to feel shiok. She told me this when I was around 12,13. It was an insignificant statement at that time which I did not anticipate would make me feel furious to remember it 2 decades later.
When I start to date after school, no guy is good enough in her eyes. She would insult my bf when I come home. She made my brother’s wife life hell when they just had a child. She would visit them and come home raging at us things that she was angry with. Instead of telling my brother upfront, she’d come back scream at me. I got married a few years later and she accused me of anyhow marrying anyone to get out of the house. When I moved out I know my youngest sibling will get all the abuse.
I try to put up a front for my children so they can have a relationship with grandma because I refuse to let history repeat itself. I don’t want my children to grow up without any family/relative ties like me. So I tolerate her nonsense. When she start to speak in a toxic manner I try to change the topic so my children won’t have to listen to it. I try to speak lovingly about grandma to the children and also video call her more since we don’t visit so often due to covid.
Because I was used to being quiet when there are difficulties, and also used to being distant at home, I did not realise this is bad for a marriage. And did not sense something was going wrong with my husband. My husband got entangled with another woman. He did break up with the 3rd party but damage is already done. Remembering what my mother said to me about feeling shiok to be with married men triggered me. I wished I b*tch slap her to hell that time for having the audacity to be so proud for being a sl*t. I also felt that I am getting the karma for what she did in the past.
I know I will sure get slammed.
I wish she gets the hell out of my life so I don’t need to pretend anymore.
