I was a compulsive cheater. I cheated on most of my ex-boyfriends with my friends and ex-classmates. I jumped at every opportunity to sleep with an attractive guy. On top of that, I also kept changing boyfriends because of the steady flow of eligible admirers. I had countless relationships ranging from weeks to months. My friends are envious of me for having plenty of admirers. But what they don’t know is that I hope I could lead a normal life like them. Afterall it’s unhealthy to have too much temptations, especially for someone so weak and immature like myself.
After years of cheating and jumping in and out of relationships, I become jaded. I decided to just stop everything suddenly. Despite feeling lonely all the time, I tried to refrain from jumping into a relationship or hooking up with someone. It was during that time that I learned a lot about myself. I asked myself a lot of questions. Why do I keep changing boyfriend? Why do I enjoy cheating? Why am I so cheap? I spent the entire year looking for answers. During that year, I spent most of my time mending broken relationships with my family.
Being raised in a single-parent household, I was deprived of the love of a mother. My mother died of a rare illness when I was young. Since young, I’ve always been a rebellious trouble-maker and my overachieving siblings have always condemned me. Having spiteful siblings and a workaholic as a father, I often felt unloved and neglected at home. Even when I was in a relationship, I often felt empty inside. Cheating made me feel less lonely and temporarily forget all the pain my family put me through. After I decided to fix the relationship with my family, I realised that I no longer feel empty inside. Learning to love my family made me feel loved again. Afterall, humans are like mirrors. If you love them with all your heart, they might love you back.
For many years, I thought I was incapable of loving someone and I don’t deserve to be loved. After feeling all loved by my family, I no longer seek gratification elsewhere. I have stopped cheating for two years and have been in a stable relationship for a year. Although many people would say “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, my boyfriend does not mind my ugly past at all. While I still have a few eligible admirers, I always reject them firmly. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. Learn from your mistakes and move on! Love yourself enough to forgive yourself.
Source: NUSconfession