My darkest secret guilt
TLDR: Dating for quite a while and we are in our BTO stage but didnt get it yet, however time to time i had quickie with someone that is not my partner.
So currently i’m dating someone for a long time, nearly 5 years, and throughout the years we had talked about getting married and stuff.
But what my partner doesnt know is, before we got together, i was constantly engaging quickie with people i met through CMB/Tinder etc, some even from knowing each other within a night.
So after we got together, i thought that i could finally be devoted and only do it w my partner but somehow or rather, my partner is not really keen in engaging such stuff. My partner felt that we are not ready to be parents and wanted to wait for marriage. We even did all those love langugue and stuff just to let my partner knows that i crave for physical touch.
So throughout the first 2 years, i held on to my ‘craving’ and stayed loyal but soon after, i had some BFF who was similar as me, difference is they were single. In the past we would go out and go back separately at the end of the night so u know what’s up. Somehow or rather, my past got hold of me and i went back to my old ways during the 3rd yr.
However everytime after i do my deed, and my next meetup with my partner, i would somehow felt abit of guilt but i know that those are just needs and urge for me, so i convinced myself again and again. Although 99% of the time i would only do it with protection, i went to do checkup for any nasty stuff on a yearly basis so i had to do it behind my partner’s back, in a way not to contract or spread it to my partner. I tried to be responsible as much as i can, but i just cant help but to get my needs outside other than my partner. It was quite a scary scene at first when i went, i even had to convinced one of my BFF to come along as i was surprised to see all sort of peeps there.
I tried convincing my partner time to time after our 3rd/4th year but the answer is always the same which is to wait till we are married. So needless to say i continue my ‘eat out session’ Even during our overseas trip together, i had to discreetly pack some protection and try to convince my partner but to no avail as there was no actions throughout.
So after we approached our 5th year, my partner suggested to get a BTO instead which i agreed. I tried to stop doing my eat out activities as it progresses but somehow i just cannot contain my cravings.
One of my close friend suggested that i should stop wasting my time and seek for a partner who is able to satisfy me but i still love my partner and would want to stay for life. Although i felt ashamed of saying this as it is cheating after all, but i do my best to actually subdue my own guilt by doing as much as i can.
As we progressed till today, we probably are the only couple out there who is dating for so long and yet to really progressed any further when it comes to bed activities.
Everytime i’m being conflicted by going to eat out with some of my BFFs and also on the other hand, i really would want to stop this and only stay faithful. I was being extra careful not to let any of my BFFs who eats out with me get to know my partner and vice versa, as its better to leave it that way.
Although everyone have a past, i really hope that my partner doesnt finds out about what i did before/who i was before we were together, and also what i have done so far. It would really be something i have to bring it to my grave.
I would like to seek advice from our fellow readers here, what are some of the ways i should do moving forward?