I (f30) just found out my bf (m34) of 3 years has a 10 year old son.
I met my bf on OkCupid. He hates when I tell people that. His profile said that he had kids. I was new to the app so I was responding to most people that messaged me out of courtesy.
I asked him about that section, he said that when he started using the app he had accidentally entered that in and he couldn’t change it. Sus I know, but i didn’t know if you could or not.
A couple months later after seeing each other almost daily (just not on weekends because he was “hanging out with friends”) I introduced him to a friend of mine.
This friend likes to stir the pot, she can be very intrusive but she also means well. She kept forgetting his name and then went straight to asking him how many kids he had.
I don’t remember asking her to ask him that. I had asked him when we met and he said no so I believed him. After that question, I could tell he was upset.
After hanging out with my friend my bf asked me if I had asked her to ask him that. I didn’t, why wouldn’t I just ask myself? We got in a huge fight about it because he didn’t believe me.
Fast forward to Father’s Day 2022. By this time, we had moved in with me. We had been living together for almost a year. He frequently went to visit his “friends” and even sometimes spent the night at his “friends”.
But pursuing a private degree and working full time, I had gotten accustomed to him leaving and used that time to study, clean and me time. We would argue because I worked really hard to clear out my weekends so we could hang out.
He came home that Father’s Day weekend with a paper bag. We had gotten in a fight that day because it was my first Father’s Day without my father (passed away in 2021) and I wanted to spend it with my bf.
He said he was busy and had been gone for the whole weekend. We have a bed with drawers underneath, I was cleaning and I saw it.
I was curious what was in it. Since he would bring fun stuff home sometimes like games for the switch, trading card and collectibles, I looked in the bag and I found an arts and crafts project that a kid made.
I went through the pages and it was clearly describing my bf. My heart sank, how was it possible that this man could hide a whole human from me? I felt stupid. I felt blind sided. I was angry so I messaged him and was super snarky and said something like “happy Father’s Day to you, a father.”
He called me and instantly made me the bad guy. I get it, I shouldn’t be going through anyone’s belonging but I’m sorry, what? He said he was leaving and didn’t want anything to do with me.
We ended up not breaking up because he said someone’s kid gave that to him. I was still confused, because that meant that he still had a relationship with this child. He said he felt hurt that I didn’t believed him. I GAVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
Fast forward to now. His uncle has recently been sick and in the hospital. Before a couple day ago I had not yet met anyone in his family except for his half sister.
I know, I’m probably dumb for not questioning it. I offered to go with him to the hospital to show support. I didn’t know who would be there but I assumed I’d be sitting in a waiting room anyways since his uncle is in the ICU.
I met the mom, the cousin, a god mother and and some of their acquaintances. I was being introduced as his gf/wife and as he put it, his “main squeeze” (I thought it was funny).
There was moment his mom and I sat together and talked about how we hadn’t met. She said “well, he is pretty distant from us. Even when [name of Kid] was born. He hardly lets us see him.”
And I was like wait what? I recognized the name from the project. I asked her to clarify, because I wasn’t sure what we were talking about at this point.
She spilled the beans. I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. She apologized for telling me something he maybe hadn’t told me yet.
We went home and tried to talk about. He said he felt like a failure as a man and as a father. I feel a little hurt because during our relationship I’ve made it known I’d like to start a family soon after we get married.
We’re not engaged but we do talk about it. I love this man but this made me rethink so many things. He said that he knows that his absence affects me.
I was always hoping we could spend more time together and I realized the it will probably never change. He often will say how he doesn’t want babies because then I’ll just take them away from him, which I never understood why he said that until now.
I see his side of this whole thing but I also don’t know if I’m wrong for being confused about this. I want a family. He basically said his kid comes first. I get that but not something someone wants to hear. I could just be a freaking adult and accept it or not? Am I being immature?