I (49F) told my husband (49M) that he could sleep with other people on a couple of conditions and it backfired and I feel humiliated
Off my chest This is all partly my fault. I (49F) gave my husband (49M) permission to sleep with other people on the condition that I never meet other person or find out about it. I found out in the worst way imaginable.
Last March (2022) I realised that I just was not interested in intercourse anymore. I had a major medical emergency and I just lost interest. Even before this we were only getting intimate a couple of times a year. I didn’t want my husband to not experience it for the rest of his life but I also didn’t want to just f him out of obligation. I could and should have made more of an effort.
Anyway I was upfront about how I didn’t want to do it anymore and told him he could sleep with other people on the condition it wasn’t emotional, that I didn’t find out or know or meet the other people. We have 3 kids aged 17, 15 and 11 and other than that element, our marriage was perfect and we had an otherwise very happy life.
He assured me he wasn’t interested in sleeping with other people but still took onboard what I said and then life continued as normal.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago and I did fleetingly wonder if he was seeing someone else because all of a sudden he started taking better care of himself and going into the office when he is able to WFH 100% of time. He said it was to train the new starts because training is easier in person.
Anyway last week my 17 year old son came to me because he had been looking for something on husbands tablet.. his birthday is coming up and I think he wanted to see if there were any hints about what he was getting.
He said he didn’t want to show me but he found messages that my husband exchanged with his mistress. I told my son not to worry and not speak to his dad about it especially before I had the chance to.
Curiosity got the better of me and I looked on the tablet. I have met the woman in passing. Just over a month ago we were buying some stuff to do renovations and bumped into her and her small child. I did notice husband seemed particularly happy to see her but didn’t think much of it. Although my sons did repeatedly tell my husband that he was lucky to work with a 10/10. She’s beautiful, about 20 years younger than me and apparently is willing to do more in bed than I ever was. He tells her he loves her all throughout what I saw.
I know I gave him permission but I didn’t think he would fall in love with someone else. I confronted him about it and he said it was initially just physical and it spiralled into something more and was truly sorry he stepped beyond the boundaries we agreed to. My son is so angry because he can’t believe my husband would cheat and im not sure how to tell him it was me who opened the door to that kind of thing. I just told him not to worry about it and that my husband and I are fine.
Husband wants to remain together and said he won’t see his mistress again. I asked if he truly loved her and he said he was very fond of her but loved me and our family more than that.
Im not looking for advice I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel humiliated. I know I’m partly to blame and at the end of the day the only thing that is different to 2 months ago is that I found out. I know people will think I’m an idiot for suggesting it in the first place but ugh. I don’t know where to go from here and only time will tell.
Writing on my phone so apologies for any grammatical issues.
Edit: I know he didn’t introduce us on purpose so I’m not saying he did that. I guess what I was imagining was that when he was away for work he would maybe sleep with people that don’t live near us, not start a full blown relationship with someone he works with.
I know I should have spoken about getting my libido treated.