I need to rant because last night my friend nearly gave me a heart attack with his nonsense.
This joker went to Kuala Lumpur for “short getaway only bro, just chill and relax”. Ended up drinking until his brain fully factory reset. Around 1am, I started receiving WhatsApp voice messages from him every 3 minutes.
First voice note:
“BROOOOO KL DAMN SAFE SIA.”
Second voice note:
“Eh I think I walking back to hotel.”
Third voice note got heavy breathing plus random traffic sounds.
I thought okay lah, maybe he just walking nearby Bukit Bintang only. Then suddenly he sends me a live location. I open the map and almost choke on my kopi.
THIS MAN WALKED 16KM.
SIXTEEN.
At 2am.
In a foreign city.
Drunk.
Alone.
And the funniest part? He genuinely thought he was in JB. He kept saying:
“KL same same as JB what, can walk around one lah, I going walk to Woodlands Checkpoint now”
Brother, even in JB I also won’t go powerwalking marathon at 2am after alcohol. This one not Pokemon Go event okay.
The entire night he kept spam calling and sending voice notes. But every time I answered and asked where he was, he refused to explain properly. Instead, he suddenly became political analyst.
“Actually bro… ASEAN economy very complicated…”
“Hear me out… Singapore transport policy…”
“Malaysia and Singapore relations ah…”
“Lawrence Wong My Brother”
BRO YOU ARE LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF KL NOT HOSTING CNA INSIGHTS.
At one point he whispered:
“Bro I think got people following me.”
I panicked and asked him to find police or grab somewhere safe.
Then immediately after that he sends another 4-minute voice message debating GST and ERP.
I really wanted to fly to KL personally just to slap him.
The worst part is this idiot somehow remained overly confident the whole time. He kept saying:
“Relax lah bro. I street smart.”
Street smart your head. Google Maps showed him walking along random highways and industrial-looking roads like some side quest NPC.
Then suddenly at around 4am he called me sounding emotional saying:
“Bro… I need help.”
Finally, I thought reality hit him already.
So I asked:
“Okay where are you now?”
And this clown replied:
“Do you think politicians really care about the middle class?”
I nearly threw my phone out the window.
By 5am he somehow found a mamak shop and started sending me videos of teh tarik while acting like he survived World War 3. This entire experience convinced me some Singaporeans genuinely think every place outside Singapore is just “slightly bigger JB.”
Next time this fellow travels overseas, I’m hiding his passport myself.