i have a really big secret that i fear can catch up with me. i was a sugar baby, and worked as an escort occasionally. just grad from fass a few years ago. wont say which major or which year, cos i want to be unknown.
i managed to get my tuition fees fully, give my parents and younger sister good $, and even enough to get a very nice condo unit just before i grad. that made me feel happy and proud of myself for a long time. told myself that i would stop after grad. and i did. but during covid period, i decided to resume a little to get some fast cash and also cos it felt a bit boring staying at home for a long time. but once i started, i just couldnt stop.
i could earn so much that i got really hooked onto it. the covid period is really crazy for business, i could get appointments almost every day and night of a month. the $ that i earn is easily more than a CEO’s pay. 1 night with one sugar daddy could give me my 1 month pay as a fresh grad. it felt unreal, like a fantasy. naturally, i quit my full time job cos i could earn so much more without putting in much effort. and having so much money than you have ever seen really messes with your mind. there is a thrill to easy money that is so hard to describe, and it also feels empowering knowing that i have so much power of men who lose themselves. and when we could finally start to travel, i went on free trips to so many places around the world with different clients, some of them really extravagant. everything felt so wrong, but i was having too much fun to care.
and then a few months ago, i met this nice boy that i matched on cmb who has been asking me out a lot. and i think he is someone good to settle down with. he is a good christian boy with a wholesome family and lovely home. i feel so welcome when i meet his family. every sunday i join them at church and we even went on an overseas trip together to help poor people. i feel really really happy with them, and it is so fulfilling doing some good for others after doing so many shameful things.
but the problem is, i am still addicted. i have more $ than i need, but a big part of me does not want to let it go. cos it really is a gold mine and i won’t be young forever so i want to milk the opportunity while it lasts. now that i am dating him, i dont go out with those men anymore, for fear of being seen in public and being found out. i just keep it to meeting in discreet places. and it really is addictive. i have no work in the day time, and the idea of killing a bit of time while earning a load of cash is often enticing. i quite regularly get clients who ask for a quickie during work hours, and it is just too tempting to resist when i am in my condo feeling bored of sleeping in, binging netflix and lying at the poolside.
he says that the thinks of me as a good girl. but i also think he might suspect that something doesnt add up. he knows that i have my own condo, even though my family is not well to do. i lied to him that i made a lot of money during the covid boom trading stocks and crypto. and it was a stupid, cos i know quite little about trading. and when he asks me for investment advice, i sound really noob and change the topic quickly.
i feel really bad and guilty. he doesnt know who i am and what i have done. i feel that such a good man deserves better than a whore. i think that couples should never keep secrets from each other, and that makes me feel distant from him. how do i tell him that i have slept with so many men than i could count, and done things that are so dirty and depraved that it could make people throw up? and i can tell that he is a virgin, cos he knows so little about a woman’s body. he is so pure-hearted, kind, doting and such a wonderful person, while i am the opposite.
it makes me scared when we talk about marriage, a future together. i keep telling myself to stop every time we spend a good time together, but i end up accepting advances from men who want to pay me to sleep with them.
how do i get rid of this addiction? sometimes i really feel strongly that i would be done with this lifestyle. i feel so much guilt that i cry my eyes out, promise myself that i will never go back to it again. but i tend not to last more than a week before going back to it. and it keeps happening in a cycle. so many times that i think i am numb to it. when i cry, it doesnt feel genuine anymore.
i guess i love the feeling of having a lot of money and having power over men who cant wait to part with their money just to touch me. but i also want to find love, settle down and have a family and home of my own. and i think i want the best of both worlds, which is why i am living a double life now.
do i really need to choose one lifestyle over the other? can i really not keep both? is it possible to keep things a secret till marriage, and then stop this thing once i am married?